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One week left!

2012-02-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

Since I have been eating healthy (except for one or two occasions) for almost a month, I am having a familiar sensation. That sensation is one of being in control of my life. Things are so much clearer in my head, my tasks at hand are more salient to me. It is a good feeling. It is something I lose when I start to eat processed foods or any of a number of foods that seem to control me (ie refined sugar, alcohol, dairy products).

The other day a friend of mine posted on facebook that anyone is able to check just what marketing Google thinks defines you. Some of my female friends were listed as male, and either much younger or much older than they actually are. Mine was pretty spot on. Google thinks that I am 28-34, (check), female, (check), interested in fitness/nutrition, (check/check), and wedding planning....(sigh, check, I'm jumping the gun by about a year....). So what does that say about me? Not much. I fear that I'm not an interesting person. I feel as though I have no hobbies. My roommate said that diet and exercise are my hobbies. Which, I guess is okay. But I feel the need to expand my life, although I'm not sure what that means or how to do it.

I've lost weight and not felt hungry. This feels good. I tried the new vegan cheese "Diaya" the other day. It is melty, it is cheezy, but really it tastes like butter (at least the mozzerella style). So it didn't satisfy my cheese craving. Plus it is a highly processed food, so I gave the rest away.

11 more days!

2012-01-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

So I've been eating healthy now, with only a couple of slips, for the past 19 days. I did have a few beers this week and .... french fries (gasp!) but now I'm back to the healthy eating that I'm trying to make a permanent habit of.

Today I tried tempeh. It was good and I definitely like the texture. For the taste, which isn't bad per se, I am going to experiment with grilling and marinating it. I think I'm going to make some crockpot chili tomorrow and I may crumble some up and throw it in to simmer in the juices for several hours. Overall, I like it!

It's Friday night, but I'm feeling a little under the weather. I think going out two nights this week and having beer was not a good thing to do. Since alcohol suppresses the immune system, I made myself vunerable to the nasty germs floating around the campus. I'm going to cozy up in bed with some reading and a cup of tea. :)

Day 14, with a recap of 13

2012-01-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to a 6 yr old's birthday party! It was really fun seeing a ton of little girls giggling and chasing each other. Not a shy one in the bunch. But it reminded me just how vicious little girls can be. Anyway, I did NOT eat cake or popcorn (it was at a movie theater). Both of those items were incredibly hard for me to give up. Instead I snuck in my own bag of 'healthier' home popped popcorn (popped on the stovetop with spray oil) and an apple for when the sweets got passed around. I was pretty proud of myself.

I'd really like to go to the gym today, but my car is snowed in to it's spot. My roommate is out borrowing a shovel so we can dig. We also need to go to the grocery store. I have a feeling that after I shovel I won't need to go to the gym anymore....

Days 11 and 12

2012-01-20T10:39:00.001-07:00

Although I'm shooting for 30 days of blogging, I knew I was going to get behind. But that is okay. I have a LOT of stuff going on in my life right now and everything is pretty stressful. I am moving to LA in 6 months and I also have classes to take, classes to teach and MAJOR exams to study for. But I can do it! I know that I won't have much of a social life for the next 6 months or so, and that is okay. Really it is the way it has to be if I want to achieve all my goals.

A big part of achieving all my goals is staying sober. Alcohol affects my judgement with food and behavior. It also makes me sluggish and if I drink one night, I don't work for several days afterward. It most definitely affects my sleeping patterns negatively. So, my drinking days for the next 4 months are already planned out. (Feb 25, Mar 9, April 25, May 5)

Foodwise, I'm continuing to do well! I stay full, I base my meals around vegetables, spices, whole grains and healthy fats. I plan my meals out a few days in advance and I haven't had cravings for sugar (although I did have a bit this morning, agave syrup). After these 30 days, I'd like to make two new goals to try and reach. Perhaps it will be about water consumption, or trying one new recipe a week. Not sure yet, but I am excited to see what they will be!

Day 10 SO much SNOW!

2012-01-18T20:07:00.001-07:00

There is at least 2 feet of snow outside today with another foot coming tomorrow. Luckily I got up extra early this morning and I took the bus to the store and stocked up on healthy foods! They didn't have everything I wanted (no tempeh!) but I still was able to find all I need for at least another week and a half.

I made up a new recipe today! Nothing fancy, just a basic white bean and broccoli soup. But I love it and I think it is going to go into the soup rotation. The trick is an immersion blender. It makes it creamy without any dairy.

My bootcamp class was cancelled today due to the snow, which made me sad. BUT I came home and did half the work out on my own! (I couldn't run laps in my apt, but I did all the other weight training and cardio)

Goals met:
Eating vegetables and two fruits
60 minutes of exercise!

Oh, and in case anyone wonders, I've lost 7 lbs in my journey so far. :)

Day 9! And the end....

2012-01-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

Things were going fairly well today and they still are really. I did not make it to the full 10 day cleanse mark, but I'm not upset about it. I was holding on until about 4:30 this afternoon. As I sat at the dining room table I realized that I really wanted to eat some walnuts. So I said to my roommate "Hey, I really want to eat something. Not a vegetable, not an orange." And she said the smartest thing, "Then eat something. You should listen to your body." So, I'm still following the anti-inflammatory diet I had planned for, I just started a bit early. About 32 hours early or so.

I feel it was a job well done because:
-I am committed to planning out my meals again.
-I remember how important it is to base my meals on vegetables and fruits.
-I know that my body only needs 'healthy' fats to survive. Other fats are bad for me.
-I'm still refraining from SNACCs (sugar, nicotine, alcohol, caffeine, chemicals) and I don't miss them.

So I will leave you with a list of things that I broke my fast with, as you will see, they are all good foods.

White beans, plain popcorn, walnuts. :)

Days 7 and 8

2012-01-16T20:31:00.003-07:00

Hello!
Yesterday was really a blur. The snow started and I went to the gym before it got too bad. I ate my fruits and vegetables and didn't really have any weird cravings. I will be happy to move into a more full anti-inflammatory diet.

Things are good, but I'm starting to daydream about the food that I want to eat. I've had several temptations today, but I backed off all of them and made better choices. Tomorrow is really going to be difficult because I have a long day and only a few minutes to eat lunch. I'm really going to have to plan tomorrow out.

I did something new and made some vegetable soup today. It was delicious and really helped keep me full when I felt hungry.

In my non-food based life, I've gotten sooo much done. I completed all of my required readings for the week as well as made significant progress on cleaning and organizing my room. I'm really quite excited about this last semester. I want to do well and work hard, rather than do okay and do the minimum work required like I usually do.

The snow is unbearable due to the fact that I can't drive in it. On Wednesday I need to drive about 10 miles to get some window work done on my car. I might even have to put chains on. It is the last day of my cleanse so hopefully everything works out and I am able to make it there and back safely.

Day 6

2012-01-14T20:40:00.001-07:00

Today was good even though I faced a couple of nasty possible setbacks. I went to a coffee shop to study and did NOT buy a pastry or a delicious soy latte. This was a bit hard. I stuck with the herbal tea mostly, but did try a cup of decaf coffee. It tasted like chocolate to me which was nice, but I also know how decaf is supposed to be bad for you. I will refrain from it in the future. Also, I went to my favorite co-op today and had some lunch at the salad bar. There were many tempting things, both on the bar and in the store, but I refrained from trying them. Very soon!

The snow has finally come and I would love some tomato soup. Unfortunantly most are made with cream and I am a non-dairy girl . So instead I'm settling for a warmed up cup of lovely low sodium spicy V8! I actually really enjoy it!

Day 5 is winding down....

2012-01-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

...and I feel great! I bought some portabella mushrooms today and grilled them with my usual evening meal of steamed veggies. Truly delicious! I forgot how much I enjoyed them!

I also tried 100% coconut water today. I remember drinking coconut milk as a kid, but this stuff didn't really taste like it. I suppose if I really felt the need for extra potassium then I would buy some. It actually had a funky taste to it. Plain water will do the trick for me from now on.

So I'm half-way through and I feel really good! I'm staying at about the same calories and I'm starting to phase out some of the juice. By the 10th day I will only have one or two glasses. My first meal of the day will be an apple (or two!) with natural peanut butter, almond milk, and herbal tea. Yum! I'm getting really excited just thinking about it! But I must press on with my endeavour as long as I can!

Day 3/4

2012-01-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a little tough. I woke up with a headache and the thought "Why am I doing this again?". But the day did get better and I just ate an extra orange for breakfast. I know that I'm not really consuming the amount of calories considered a VLC (very low calorie) diet. Instead I'm consuming the amount that most people consume when they are suffering from a cold, or just not feeling very well. (approx. 800-900 calories).

You may ask yourself if this is really worth it. I believe that focusing my diet on fruits and vegetables is indeed worth it. I was witnessing my diet becoming heavy in processed foods, sugar, meat, cheese, and simple carbohydrates. (ex. I ate an entire box of Cheez-its in two days....) I also was overindulging in bread, specifically pan dulce, or mexican sweet bread.

So in order for me to clear out my house (clean up my eating habits) I felt the need to do this cleanse. I am retraining myself to eat a healthy diet, one that begins with fruits and vegetables (and some healthy fats). Later I will reintroduce vegetable proteins such as beans, quinoa, and edamame. Toward the very end, I will start to enjoy salmon and nuts again as well as small amounts of cheese. Sugar will be avoided as long as possible. I have a raging sweet tooth that sends me over the edge often.

I'm also going to experiment with abstaining from wheat for the first time ever. I'm calling this an experiment b/c I know it won't last. I'm part Italian and my go-to comfort meal is pasta. ANY KIND. So I will be back to whole wheat pasta at some point. In fact, I have to stop thinking about it right now and go steam up some broccoli.....

Day 2

2012-01-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today, I am hurting a little. I have a raging migraine and I don't know if it has to do with my menstrual cycle or the fast.

Some positive things I've already noticed:

I really enjoy eating vegetables and fruits. Especially the kale!

I woke up today with NO nasal congestion and very little post-nasal drip. (This has been something plaguing me for the last two years. Doctors just tell me to use over the counter allergy meds.) I'm excited and nervous to discover what this allergy may be triggered by when I reintroduce foods. I have a feeling it is processed grains, sugar, or dairy. I am a cheese lover from way back.

I'm really enjoying all the herbal teas I'm drinking! They are so far a lovely treat that breaks up the monotony. Especially the fruit infused ones.

The weirdest things I've noticed/remembered from my previous fast:

My stomach/intestines make really loud, awkward noises as I digest foods.

I've had 2 bowel movements today, which is one more than normal for me....I know this is probably a very good thing. Sorry for the TMI.

I KNOW day 3 is the hardest for me. This is what I remember as a long, tiring day...but I will survive, just as I have a few other times.

Welcome to 2012! I'm starting a fast!

2012-01-09T17:33:00.003-07:00

I've decided to start blogging again, with no explanation, other than I feel the need to. So rather than bore myself or anyone who might happen to read this....Here is a quick rundown of the last six months...

I went to Africa and it was an amazing experience!
I am now a PhD student.
I'll be done with course work in May and am planning on moving to Los Angeles to be with my boyfriend.
As far as my boyfriend and I are concerned, we are doing really well. Relationships can be difficult, but we truly love and respect each other. We've even talked about getting married, which is both frightening and exciting.

Okay, now to the super awesome fast of 2012!

Reasons for the fast: I was gluttonous over the Christmas break. I want to give my digestive system a little break. I want to restart some healthy food habits so that I can be strong and continue monitoring/reducing my body fat percentage.

The fast is more accurately a modified juice fast. This means that there are some solid foods ingested. I've read a lot of books on the subject and I know what I can and cannot do since I did complete a 4 month fast 4 years ago.

Here is the menu:
1st ten days.....
-high quality fresh fruit and vegetable juice (at least 24 ounces)
-herbal tea (no caffeine)
-fresh or lightly steamed vegetables
-fresh fruit
-olive oil
-flax seed oil
-vinegar
-spices
-vitamins

2nd ten days....
all of the above, with the addition of
-quinoa
-bulgur
-nuts
-vegetable soups
-eggs

3rd ten days....
all of the above, with the addition of
-salmon
-avocado
-green tea
-potatoes

30+ days....
reintroduce almond milk, pasta, some cheeses, soy yogurt, granola

This reintroduction to the healthy diet that I enjoy is something I will probably have to do again in my life. When I don't take time to prepare healthy food I end up gorging on high caloric crap. I'm also happier when I don't eat diary, yet I often forget this. Here is to new challenges!

I'm going to Africa!

2011-04-25T10:00:00.002-07:00

Many interesting things have happened this semester. Most notably, I have successfully written and defended my thesis. It was titled "Oil Sal and Water: A Life History of A Mexican-American Curandera." It isn't very good in my opinion, but it was good enough to graduate. People said they enjoyed reading it, which is very good for a Master's thesis.

I recently recieved 4 innoculations for my trip to Africa. Meningitis, Polio, Tetanus, and Yellow Fever. Oh and I'm taking a oral live Typhoid as well... too many meds!

I'll start my anti-malarials in 6 weeks, right before I leave.

Almost 6 months!

2011-01-26T10:26:00.002-07:00

I've lost 18 lbs!! Not drinking is the best diet I've ever tried. I'm in the middle of thesis writing and I have to say, I do not enjoy it in the least. My deadline for the first draft is March 1st but I hope to get one to my advisor by Jan 31st. This is the goal.

Other than that, life is getting easier. I have much less drama now that I don't drink 4 days out of the week. Oh my goodness, I almost forgot!

I am going to AFRICA this summer!! I will be going for two full months (with a layover in Paris both ways) on an ethnographic team. We will be living with the Aka pygmies in the Central African Republic. Rainforest/jungle type climate. I have to get a ton of shots and medications to go.

-more later

4 months

2010-12-01T15:17:00.002-07:00

Whoa! This is exactly how long I have been sober in the past. It was 2008 and I was doing a crazy doctor's diet. I ended that diet with a fish n' chips Guinness fueled evening with The Cure. It was pretty awesome actually.

Now I'm heading into unknown territory. What will 5 months of sobriety feel like? What will it be like to be sober on New Year's?

In the last 4 months, I've lost 16 lbs. :)

I get to go home in 3 weeks and I get to spend 2 WHOLE WEEKS with my boyfriend!! I am disgustingly happy, in a super sappy lovey-dovey way. :)

90 days strong!

2010-11-03T14:18:00.002-07:00

I'm at that point that people in AA refer to as a tough time. Plenty of people have told me that around 90 days I may start to feel like I'm not an alcoholic and that I might try and have a drink. Since random substance testing is hanging over my head, I don't really fear that. However, the thought has crossed my mind, and I have caught myself saying out loud "Let's take a vacation when I can drink again." Most of my friends have said that they understand this and feel that I don't have a drinking problem anyway and that they believe I can and will drink again. If I said these thoughts to people in AA I know the type of reaction it will garner. "Just go ahead and have a drink...you'll see what will happen...we will welcome you back as soon as you realize that you and alcohol don't mix."

Well, I don't have the desire to drink. But I do anticipate wanting to drink again come August 2011. Luckily, I have plenty of time to decide what I will do then.

Other than booze, which isn't even something I think about often anymore....
-School is chugging along....pesky thesis needs to be written....
-My boyfriend is awesome, supportive, sexy, and amazing !!!
-I've been working out like crazy and loving it!
-I've been laughing and enjoying life :) and I'm happy :)!!

67 days

2010-10-10T11:05:00.003-07:00

It is getting easier to not drink, rather than harder.

I can't say that I'm more productive now, I'm still a procrastinator when it comes to work... BUT I do workout for at least an hour everyday!! I've lost 10 lbs since I stopped drinking, and I've increased my fitness quite a bit. This last week I started training for the Snake River half-marathon, and I'm suuuuper excited!!! My goal is to beat my time of 2hrs 43mins from last year. I have about five months to train, so I think I will be all set.

To everyone who has ever tried to stop drinking....if you can make it one day without a drink, you can make it a week, then a month. I am proof of that. It does get easier. I even go to bars with friends and do not have a problem.

30 days!

2010-09-02T11:43:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow is thirty days clean and sober.

I've lost 7 lbs.

I've gained new friends and experiences. For instance, I've been invited to join new things, like fitness classes and gaming clubs. I've been going to AA meetings, which have helped immensely. It has shown me that there are others like me who used to be the life of the party, and when the party has ended, still have a life. :) This is comforting to me.

overeating/binge-drinking/low self-esteem/body issues/destructive behaviors: These are all part of the big picture for me. I feel like I"m finally starting to figure them all out.

I feel good, like I finally have a handle on my life. Now to write my thesis.....

Sentence Imposed

2010-08-05T20:45:00.002-07:00

Here's what happened to me today.

24 hours in jail

90 day license suspension

$900 fine

1 year probation

1 year abstinance from alcohol w/monitoring

Things to do instead of drinking alcohol:
Take a bath
Call a friend back home
Go for a walk/run
Go to the gym
Watch a movie
Go to the library
Knit
Bubble Bath!
See a play
Go to a museum
Play the guitar
Go dancing
Cook a fancy dinner
Clean out a closet
Scrub the bathroom
Do some yoga/meditate
Be the designated driver for friends (when you can drive...)
Plan your weekly meals
Look up good recipes
Write your thesis!
Go to an AA meeting
Call your boyfriend
Play a boardgame
Thrift shop!
Walk around the mall

I'm changing my life. Completely.

2010-05-27T17:31:00.002-07:00

I haven't written in a while. I guess I have been scared. I'm not sure why, since no one I actually know in life reads this blog. I suppose I was scared of myself. I haven't been going to WW meetings. I recently cancelled my membership, but kept the online account. It isn't that the program doesn't work, it is just that I'm not working it.

On March 10, the day before I flew to California to spend a week with a guy I'm dating, I was pulled over on a suspected DUI. This is something that I have deserved for at least 8 years. Although I'm not glad it happened, I am not at all surprised. The state of Washington offers a deferred sentence for those who are diagnosed as mentally ill or chemically dependent. After five years of intense treatment and sobriety, a DUI case can be dismissed. I fortunantly (or unfortunantly) have been found to qualify for this program.

As I have stated before, my relationship with alcohol is something that I have trouble controlling. In the last 10 years (I'm 28) the longest I have been totally sober has been 4 months. Luckily, I do not abuse or use any other types of drugs. My relationship with my weight, food, and alcohol are all related. This is something I have recognized for several years. I am not afraid to be sober, but I am afraid to fail. It is like I felt prior to losing 70 lbs. I was not afraid to diet, but I was afraid to fail.

Should I not complete the intensive 2 year treatment and the subsequent 3 years of sobriety, I will automatically recieve a DUI. The sobriety will hopefully begin for me on June 1st, although my treatment will begin at the end of July. I am afraid of a few things. Failing, losing friends, being depressed, being a basketcase, crying, hurting my parents, becoming boring, not drinking champagne at my wedding or 30th birthday. Luckily my fella has said that if I stop drinking it will not affect our relationship. He is not a regular drinker, thankfully.

I don't know how to tell my parents. I have not told them about my DUI. I am tired of disappointing them.

Motivation is good!

2010-02-28T20:33:00.003-07:00

I've been doing WW meetings for about 6 weeks now, and I've lost 14 lbs. :)! Something about having to weigh in to someone on a weekly basis really keeps me focused. Mostly, the meeting topics aren't that helpful to me. But, as I think I've said before, WW is my AA. I drink too much and I have the propensity to make poor food choices when I've been drinking.

I've really been focusing on moderation. I have successfully gone out with friends and had only ONE beer. I can't believe I can do this now. I have had a rough couple of days and TOM usually makes me want to eat a ton, but overall I've been doing well.

I'm going to continue going at least until I am thirty (end of October). My goal is to be 142 lbs. Totally doable and not a crazy number. I also met a man. ;) I'll be visiting him for Spring Break, as he lives waaay too far away. But he seems great, and he saw me when I was larger and liked me anyway, so he must be a good guy right?

The half marathon is this Saturday! I hope I don't die.....

I got a compliment!

2010-01-25T17:55:00.002-07:00

So today my friend told me that she felt I was acting more responsible and "more my age" now that I've been doing WW. lol. This makes me feel great!!!! Ever since I broke up with this guy (aka 'got dumped' lol) last November I have been making self-destructive decisions relating to food and alcohol. I'm slowly slowly starting to turn this around. It felt really good to hear my friend say that I am acting like an adult. lol.

I nearly ate all my weeklies in one day! It wasn't good, but I have been making sure that I have been running 4 miles a day to make up for it. I've started training for a half marathon and I'm really excited about it. So although I've used up all my weeklies and nearly all my activity points, I really am quite proud of myself! At least I am starting to take accountablity for my actions. I'm hoping that I have at least a small weight loss this Wednesday. I think I might have lost a pound. Oh yeah, in my first week I lost 5 lbs! I think it was all water weight, but it still made me feel awesome. I feel very much in control, which is a good feeling. :)

well it has come to this....

2010-01-17T23:10:00.003-07:00

I can't stop drinking with friends. It is a problem. I started going to WW meetings last Wednesday night, and since then, I have not been able to eat less than 30 points a day. I've used all my weekly allowance and my activity points. I am not doing very well.

On the other hand, I have been really good about tracking! I've decided that if I'm going to drink with my friends, I can ONLY do it once a week. On top of that, I can no longer go to bars. Also, I can only have MGD 64, no matter how much I get made fun of for it. If I want to drink, then those are the rules.

I have a few days before my next weigh in, and I think if I can stick to the plan perhaps I will show a one pound loss. This would be excellent! I am also going to try and get in some more exercise this week, three days instead of two.

anger and how to deal with it.

2009-12-10T17:49:00.003-07:00

The title of this post sounds like I might be about to share some wisdom. Alas, I have no wisdom to provide. All I have is anger in the pit of my stomach. It is really too bad that you cannot control other people. It is even worse when you cannot communicate with someone. Some people are hard nuts to crack.

Do you ever experience a time when you say something to someone, and they completely blow it out of proportion? They feel attacked so they strike back at you. And they go for the jugular. It is so frustrating, especially for someone who does NOT LIKE FIGHTING.....grrrrrrrrrr. Mostly because it makes me feel crazy, and I second guess myself and my emotions. I am not playing the victim (although that is apparently what I do, as this person told me that....) ,I am just so frustrated. Closure feels good, but this person will not allow it. So I've had to block this person from my life (and my facebook and my email). Which is sad and unfortunant. I wanted to reach out a hand of friendship, perhaps too soon, and I had to run away with a bitten hand. This person does not want to be friendly.

things like this make me want to drink. But I have not. And I will not. Although I have gone over my points for the day, by 2. It is finals week and I'm totally stressed out, trying to complete papers, and my mind keeps going back to the argument. Which was unfortunantly over email, so I can look at it for all eternity. I am not a victim, I think I was treated disrespectfully, but I am not a victim. I allowed the treatment to occur. And I am allowing this treatment to make me feel bad, which is what this person wants. I just had to post something. I suppose this is a way to deal with anger. All I know is that if he read this, he would just say I was complaining and trying to get sympathy. None needed here. He did me a big favor.

damn, my last post was so upbeat....

2009-12-07T13:01:00.002-07:00

Since then, I've been dumped. I started abusing myself with booze and food. Lots of it. Now I'm at 168 lbs. and I feel horrible. I stopped tracking my food and just started eating whatever sounded good. I also noticed I was eating when I wasn't hungry. Instead of stopping, I just kept stuffing my face with a Rueben sandwich and french fries.

Nothing makes you feel more like a piece of crap than someone telling you they can't/don't love you. Except maybe bingeing on alcohol. That does feel pretty terrible.

So I'm slowly building up my self-worth again. I went to the gym for an hour today, that felt really good. I have been tracking and am going to try and hit my vegetable quota for the day. I'm almost there.

My pants are tight. This is no bueno. Especially b/c I cannot afford new clothes. Now time for some positive self-talk: "Chin-up, sweetheart. It is gonna be alright."

and so it goes. it goes well....

2009-11-06T11:26:00.003-07:00

I'm 156.5 lbs today.

Not quite the goal weight I've been trying for. In the past year I've bounce between 150 and 163ish. Up and down, down and up. I'm not totally down on myself though. I've had tons of changes in my life, including going back to school, leaving my family, and moving across the country. So I guess I should be proud that I haven't let stress cause me to gain tons of weight. My habits have definitely changed since I've begun this whole weight loss process. I don't abuse food or alcohol on a regular basis. Sometimes I binge on one or both of those items though. But I don't beat myself up about it. I walk, whenever I can. I like walking, it gives me time to think. I haven't made time for the gym in about a month, but I will, especially when the snow makes it hard for me to walk.

I finally joined WW online after a personal corrospondence with the one and only Bitchcakes. She really knows how to encourage a girl! I think everyone should stop in on her blog at least once a week for some inspiration. I've lost 5.5 lbs in the last two weeks while following the program. But...I did drink waaaay too much for a period of three days around my birthday and halloween. It threw me into a downward spiral of depression that took a few days to get out of. Chemicals do not do good things to my brain. I'm taking it slow...and with the help of a wonderful man I am going to work through all of that bad stuff.

I think there needs to be special attention on people who are trying to lose weight that really like to drink. hmmmm.....my boyfriend would probably say "They do...it's called AA...." lol.

School is terribly stressful. Mostly, I just don't want to make an ass out of myself. But my friends in my program are an endless supply of encouragement, and hopefully I am to them as well.

Okay, I need to get to writing...I have 7 more papers and one large project that must be completed by the end of the semester (7 weeks....eeeekk!) This paper is about a chapter in The Early Medittereanian Village. um, yeah, it is about as interesting as you think it might be.....haha. Actually, I have lots of respect for archaeology. I'm just glad I'm not an archaeologist. I prefer the living to the dead.

Good luck with all of your goals for the week!

One month in country....

2009-09-15T10:52:00.002-07:00

My fitness has improved vastly. I walk uphill both ways to school at least 3 days a week. I always thought this was a joke, but I really do walk uphill BOTH ways. Damn Pullman has a lot of hills. Everything is either "oh, just on top of that hill" or "oh, just downhill from there". I've been really very good about packing my meals everyday, not to mention eating breakfast and dinner at home. I have had a couple of nights where I drank a lot of alcohol, but nothing too severe that I haven't been able to pull myself out of. I tend to want to drink and drink and drink.....I also have been walking over to the student rec center (3 miles from my house and back) twice a week for some workout sessions. Sometimes I just do some exercises in my apartment, if I don't feel like leaving early in the morning.

Right now I'm 157.7 lbs. Before the weekend I was 155.5. I did drink a LOT on Saturday and I had a bbq at noon and a pot luck in the evening. So when I guesstimate how much I ate, it is probably well over 3300 calories. But Sunday I went right back to 1200. Tracking what I eat, and keeping to simple foods has really helped me. My clothes are starting to get looser which is a really good feeling.

I did buy some 'crappy' foods this last time I went to the grocery store. Baked Lays, and Lean Pockets. Not too bad calories wise, but not good as far as they are processed 'fake' foods. They just looked so yummy! and I haven't had pizza in about a month. So I thought the Lean Pockets would be a good distraction.

Well, the plan is no more drinking for the rest of the month. If I could make it until the end of October, that would be fantastic! I really lose when I'm not drinking, and I'll be 29 on October 28th!!! It would be great to buy a new pair of skinny jeans!

WA is chilly!

2009-08-14T17:17:00.002-07:00

I'm in trouble come winter, aren't I? It is 62 degrees and overcast. I'm sitting at the Library in "downtown" Pullman b/c the wi-fi is free and I am a poor college student again. But my studio is adorable and coming together nicely. I have been eating whatever I want and now my loose jeans are getting snug? I feel bad about this but you haven't seen the hills in this town! I'm not too worried about not being able to lose weight. Once my parents leave me (tomorrow...) I won't have any money to eat out. They are taking me grocery shopping as well and I'm only getting healthy and good-for-me foods. I don't have a parking pass for school (no money) so I have to walk there everyday. Up and down hills. In the snow and rain. haha. But I'm excited. Gonna post some pictures tomorrow as well as get back on the healthy eating train. Life is so good right now.

Weigh-in and update about parties

2009-07-02T08:40:00.002-07:00

I'm still 155 today. This is okay. I've been eating too much over the last 3 days and I know it. Nothing crazy, just too much to continue to lose any weight. Today will be better. :)

The parties last weekend:
I had a BLAST and I didn't drink at all. I got really tired though. The drunk me is able to stay up all night and keep partying. The sober me wants to curl up around 9:30. lol. I did learn that I don't like being the designated driver. I want to go home at a decent hour and drunk people, as I said, like to stay up all night and not go home.

I had a brazilian wax yesterday. WHOA! One word description: invasive. :) They really get down to business with the wax. But it was an interesting experience, felt like ripping a band-aid off. Actually, lots of things in life feel like that I think. Sting a lot at first, then kind of irritate, then go back to normal.

I'm wrapping up my life here in AZ. I'm trying to fit in time to see all the people I've loved and who have called me friend in the past several years. It is sad, but I'm excited to start my new life. I will be meeting so many new people in the next month and I'm sure the beginning of school will be a whirlwind. It will be challenging to keep eating healthy food. But, as I have to keep reminding myself, this is my only life and I want it to be great. When I eat healthy food, get enough sleep, and exercise, I feel great. Oh, and I'm an adult, if I can't do it now, I'll never be able to do it.

OH happy weigh-in day!

2009-06-25T08:28:00.002-07:00

I weighed in at 156 today!! Which means I'm down 4 lbs. Now I know I've been working out like a mad woman, but I have a feeling most of this weight loss is water related. But no matter! It makes me feel great to be in the 150's again.

I made some really tough decisions over the past week. My friend said that I called him when I was drunk and said really mean things to him. I told him that I was sorry, but that I really didn't remember calling him. See, sometimes I drink until I blackout. This, of course, is a serious issue. I talked to another friend and he said that in the past he felt that I had a serious drinking issue. I blame most of my horrific weight gain on binge drinking, which led to binge eating. My brother says, although I'm terrifically fun when drunk at a party, I lose all inhibitions, and that can be worrisome. So I'm recognizing that I have a problem with alcohol and I need to seek help or curb my habit in some way. A new friend of mine just told me that he worries about me.

The longest I have been sober is 4 months. It was last year when I was dieting. My life really felt good; I was in control of so much. Work was productive and I felt like I was excelling. I really didn't hang out with any of my friends though. Most of my friends drink heavily. We tend to travel in packs. I went sober to my friends' wedding. Normally, I would "pre-game" for a function like that. (ie, have two or three drinks before the wedding).

But this is a new life, and if I'm hurting the people that care about me then it is not worth it. I want to be able someday to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or go to a baseball game and have a couple of beers without it turning to an all night binge drinking session. It is unbecoming of a lady. If I truly wish to someday be a mother and a wife to someone, I cannot let a destructive habit come between me and that happiness. If I lost weight for my future children, then I can certainly maintain my sobriety for them.

I have three events this weekend with friends. I've already enlisted my best gay to be my date and encourage me to be sober. Wish me luck.

weigh-in and new challenge

2009-06-17T08:42:00.003-07:00

So, in an attempt to rid myself of this stubborn weight (I'm 160 today) that I've put on and also to refocus my efforts, I am starting a 30 day personal challenge. The challenge is relatively simple to follow and doesn't have a lot of rules. I learned the last time I tried to challenge myself that too many rules is just too darn hard. So here it is:

-1200 calories daily limit (I figured out the calories and points values, it's about 22 pts which is right on target with my weight/activity) It is also a higher protein diet, but not low carb by any means.
-5 hours of exercise a week. (Which isn't even everyday, and I do it anyway, so this is just to remind me to 'keep up the good work'.)

And that is it. My last day will be July 17th which happens to be my last day at work as well, so it all works out rather nicely.

I don't know how much weight I'll lose, I have no idea. But I do know that I cannot have the amount of treats and 'free meals' that I have been allowing myself and not expect to gain weight. If anyone wants to see an example of what I'm eating (all 'clean' foods) just let me know.

Really Bad Day

2009-06-16T13:56:00.004-07:00

I am having a really really bad day.

It started off okay. I skipped doing my cardio today, but I was tired. I didn't sleep well. Some rather lame personal issues wouldn't let me sleep. You know, those things that seem really important and horrible right now...but in a year will seem like nothing. It involves a man. So now you understand.

So skipping the gym isn't that big of a deal, but then my mom wanted to take me out to breakfast. Also, not necessarily a bad thing, but it was a buffet. I cannot go to buffets anymore. There just has to be a new rule for my life that I can't go to buffets. Especially when I feel bad/am on my period/am hiding my feelings/have a bad day at work/alt. etc. Whenever any of those things happen I need to be strapped to a chair with rope and left to struggle. Do not feed the animals.

So I went crazy at the buffet. I love breakfast food. It was all carbs. It was disgusting. Easily 2000 calories. Then I came to work, had some black coffee and a damn chocolate cupcake. Then, I had a lunch meeting, where I should have ordered a water and left it at that. Instead, at the urging of the people I was meeting, I ordered a green chili burrito with beans. sigh. and I ate it. With chips and salsa. !!!

Now I want to keel over and give up. I'm 160 lbs, which is close to 170, then I'm almost 190 and then I'm right back to 226.

I know what to eat. I know when to eat. I know how to exercise. I know how to lose weight. Why am I not doing it? What is stopping me from achieving my goals? Why do I lose my drive so easily?

I'm nervous about moving away. I'm nervous about starting school. I'm nervous about being alone in a new place. I'm terrified of becoming fat again. I promised myself I'd never be over 160 again, and here I am knocking on 161. These are the stresses in my life. I know they are small potatoes compared to other people. But this is what I'm dealing with. I'm toying with the idea of a thirty day challenge. Would anyone like to take me up on this?

Back from a Mini-Vacay

2009-06-10T08:02:00.002-07:00

So no weigh-in this week. I decided I'm going to skip this week's weigh-in and list some of the best things I ate in Seattle over the weekend. (You can check my yelp reviews for more in-depth observations)

The Waterfront Grill= Seafood Chowder, Duck with Crab/truffle mac n' cheese, and ice cream topped bread pudding

The People's Pub= Creamy Tomato Soup and a Cheddar Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Wasabi Bistro= Some type of eel roll and a Seattle Roll (salmon and avocado, yum!)

Boulangerie Nantaise= I tried quiche for the first time and LOVED it! I don't know why I'd never eaten it before this. It may be a problem from now on....lol

I also tried a lot of beer that was locally brewed which was really very good.

Overall, my body feels the same size. I'm a little bloated, but that has to do with TOM and the natural cycle of life. bleh.

It was a wonderful romantic time, but now I have to come back down to reality. It really sucks. When you are in the heat of the moment, and the beer or wine is making you flushed and happy you think "hey this could be real, this could be really wonderful". But then you fly home....and you realize that it can't be real...it really sucks. So to weigh-in on top of all of that will just not work for me. My goal for the next week is moderation, which was not something I practiced at all in Washington. :)

Why I love fitness- oh yeah and a weekly weigh in

2009-06-03T08:13:00.002-07:00

I'm still 155.

Eating good, healthy, low-calorie, filling foods has been challenging for me the last few weeks. However, I have been kicking serious ass at the gym! So I'm going to focus on the way in which fitness has enriched my life.

When I was a kid, there was nothing I liked more than running around the playground and having to catch my breath. My favorite team sport was field hockey. I couldn't wait until we were able to get out those red and gold hockey sticks! Other things I loved were volleyball and basketball, although I wasn't very good at either of those.

I went to private school my whole life so PE wasn't something we did everyday, and it was something that was cut entirely by high school in lieu of Theology class. So after eighth grade I really didn't do much physical activity. (I was on the golf team and we did walk a few miles everyday, but I don't remember ever working up a sweat.)

In college I wandered into the Student Rec Center on a less than sporadic basis. I didn't really know what I was doing, and would usually just stick to the cardio machines. Over the course of the next 6-7 years this lack of exercise combined with my raging binge drinking/eating caused a weight gain of 60 lbs. I would join a gym every now and then, but never really go, and never really change my eating/drinking habits.

Once I had finally lost some weight through a change of diet, I again sought out physical activity. This time I recognized that it was not something I could do on my own. Like my change in diet, I needed some type of instruction. I was referred to my personal trainers, Bob and Matt, through a friend who had worked out with them after her gastric bypass.

Although I was intimidated by their appearance at first (typical bodybuilder meatheads, blond hair, big muscles, 50 years old but looks 35 etc..) I had realized that I was capable of great change. The diet had shown me that. I was not going to let anything stand in between me and my fitness goals. Especially my own self-doubt. So I've been weight training on average 3 days a week for the past 10 months. Sure, I've fallen off the wagon now and then,sometimes for weeks at a time, but I always get back up. And luckily Bob and Matt are always welcoming.

For the last 30 days, I have gone to the gym 17 times. This works out to a little over 4 times a week, and I always stay an hour. This is all the physical activity I get on top of taking the stairs, parking farther away, going out to the park with my dog etc.

To wrap up, since this is getting long, the thing I love the most about physical activity is how much energy I have. It helps me sleep better. My arms and shoulders are looking toned and sexy. My fat on my abdomen seems to be shifting, if not going away. My thighs are getting smaller. My butt is lifting. So I'm still 155, but I'm a size 10.

Weekly Weigh-in and the good ol' honest truth...

2009-05-27T10:29:00.002-07:00

I am 155 lbs today.

And I've been religiously counting all of my calories on Sparkpeople. and today I reviewed them. I am consistently eating over my caloric needs. This is why I am not losing weight.
Luckily I do work out for at least 5 hours a week, so I haven't gained, I'm maintaining.

what to do?
I"m not sure. I'm going to tweak what I eat, and not allow any more indulgences. (no more cake, cookies, chocolate) It's weird. Even though I *know* what I am eating, I still eat upwards of 1700 calories a day.

Moderation is key. Consistency is key. My goal is to eat about 1400 calories a day, continue my high level of activity, and have fun while doing it! There is no race to lose the last 15 lbs. However long it takes, is however long it takes. I will not give up.

I didn't blog last week. I just didn't want to think about my weight loss that day.

Weekly Weigh In and Tips for Newbies

2009-05-13T09:15:00.006-07:00

Weight= 155 lbs.

Back to square one. But I am okay with this. I know exactly what I've done wrong, and I know what to do to get back on track. I have 12 weeks until I move which means I have 12 weeks to reinforce the postive life changes that I have made.

A woman I work with was just told by her doctor that she needs to lose 50 lbs. We are the same age, and she is just about the same size I used to be, maybe a little smaller. I didnt' give her any advice, because she did not ask me for any, and that would have been rude. But it did make me think about what I would tell her, if she asked.

I would not suggest she go to the weight loss doctor I went to. I would give her the contact information, but suggest she try my other suggestions first.

Tips to lose weight over time:
-Track your foods, even on terrible days. Even though it is hard to look at sometimes, tracking food is essential to knowing where you went wrong, when you did excellent, and when you are allowed to give yourself a little treat. Sparkpeople is an excellent free and simple calorie counter. Obviously WW points are a great way to track as well.
-Make exercise a daily ritual and track it. Every single day of your life needs to have exercise as a component. Whether it is walking, doing a dvd, climbing stairs, cleaning house...doesn't matter. Although people say 30 minutes a day, I suggest 1 hour. And lose your fear of weight training! I've gone from a size 12 to a 10 yet stayed the same weight.
-Strive to eat 8 servings of vegetables and fruits. Mostly veggies, very colorful.
-Drink Water! Water is so important, and it fills you up, keeps you hydrated, and drinking more gets rid of bloating. I drink at least 64 oz a day. Then I drink more.
-Find strength with your friends/acquaintences/faith. Find someone to talk to about your weight issues. It helps keep you accountable. I found that I had no one to talk to about weight loss, so I started to blog. First on myspace, then I switched to blogger. It is extremely cathartic to have a place to share your thoughts. You can also 'meet' great people who are doing the same things you are and encourage them, in turn they will encourage you. I'm not religious, but I know a lot of people are, and some who have lost large amounts of weight find that their faith is a tremendous help.

So. Although this year has not been the best for me in regards to weight loss, I have been using all of these tools to maintain a 70 lb loss. Which is something I need to be more proud of than I am. In fact, that should be the last tip: Be proud of yourself and the fact that you are even attempting to become healthier.

Sometimes I'm Scared.

2009-05-11T16:11:00.002-07:00

I've been less than perfect with the foods that I've been eating lately. I've missed several days of exercise. I'm slowly, slowly, slowly getting back on the wagon with everyone else.
There is a man that I've been talking quite a lot to recently, we are getting to know one another and becoming friends. I realized the other day that I didn't want him to think I was some calorie-obsessed crazy person who could only think about food and exercise and creating a deficit over time and the flab on my belly. Then I realized, that that is who I am right now. It could possibly be who I'll always be? I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm sometimes terrified of sliding back into the person I once was. I think it is more than just becoming the "fat girl" again. I think I'm afraid of being someone who is not in control of my life. Someone that drinks constantly and is depressed. Someone who is waiting for Mr. Right to come along and gets impatient and just goes with Mr. Right-Now.....
Then again, maybe I just don't want to be "fat". Although, technically, I'm still "overweight". I am scared that if I am not vigilant about the food that I eat, or the activity that I strive to do, I will get on that weight rollercoaster that I've read so much about. I don't want to say "I lost 75 lbs, then gained back 80, then lost 50, then gained 60...." and so on. I told a friend the other day that I simply can't gain the weight back, because I am not strong enough to lose it again.
Is anyone else out there afraid to fail and gain it all back? I haven't even made my goal weight yet.

First, the nice news....

2009-05-06T07:39:00.004-07:00

I had a fantasic weekend that sort of spilled over into the week. First I helped a friend celebrate his birthday by going to a Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine show. It was hilarious and fun. Then, we proceeded to bar hop like we were youngsters and I met several men, was told I was beautiful several times, and even recieved a marriage proposal. (see engagement photo below, lol) One guy in particular is very sweet and we are supposed to go out to dinner sometime this week. The bad news is, this night of revelry set off a three day assault on my diet. One that I'm not entirely out of yet. (I had sausage with my scrambled egg whites this morning....and hash browns.) I haven't been to the gym all week. Which means I've missed out on 3 days worth of calorie burning. I'm going back tomorrow and I'm going to salvage the rest of today's caloric load by eating fruit and veggies all day.
I really don't feel very well, and when I eat poorly this always happens. So I did not weigh in this morning. I just can't face reality. There are two scenerios that could occur. I might step on the scale and read 151 or less. This would mean that my three day chow down didn't affect my weight at all. Which would probably cause me to think "Cool! I can eat whatever the *&%! I want and not gain a pound...let's get pizza!" OR, the more likely scenario, I step on the scale read 155 and sink into bad thoughts, kicking myself for drinking a bottle of vodka and devouring every spicy tuna roll on the planet. Let's not even mention Cinco de Mayo yesterday.......

So instead, I'm going to acknowledge that I had a great 3 days of debauchery, and am now returning to normal life. The weigh-ins will commence next Wednesday, which means I have a week to whip myself back onto program. And that also means I get to enjoy that feeling of starting anew! It's almost like having make-up sex with myself. But a lot less messy. :)

Weekly Weigh in- Steady As She Goes!

2009-04-29T10:39:00.002-07:00

So I'm 151.6 as of this morning, which means I haven't lost anything in two weeks. BUT, I haven't gained anything either, and I've been a very naughty girl.
I had four days last week where I just could NOT stop eating. I woke up completely ravenous! I did continue to count points and it wasn't pretty, but I have been highly active lately.
I was ovulating, which makes me sooo very hungry. It's stupid. I was feeling like I lose the same 5 lbs every month, but then I studied a graph that I made on Excel and realized that my irratic peaks and valleys did have a sort of order to them. Every month I go up and down and every month I go down just a bit lower. So I'm gonna stick to what I do, counting calories/exercise 5 days a week for an hour, and go with the flow.
I reminded myself that I've lost an incredible amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time, much shorter than it took to get there. So I need to respect that perhaps my body is a little tired of losing some of it's energy stores. It will probably take a bit for my body to adjust. And I'm okay with that. :)

Reasons why I lost weight--plus, weekly weigh-in

2009-04-22T08:00:00.002-07:00

So, housekeeping first: I weighed in at 151.8 today. Which is +.2 lbs more than I was last week. But I'm not going to worry about it, because I know I ate within my point allowance, as well as got LOADS of exercise in,(an hour a day for the last 10 days! I even had sex and burned off more calories! lol.) So I'm just going to stick with what I've been doing and hopefully have a better report for next Wednesday.

I actually cleaned off my desk yesterday and I found a little post-it note that had fallen in between my keyboard and my monitor. On it I have listed possible names for my children. I'm not married and I'm not even in a seriously committed relationship, BUT I know that someday I want to have a child or two. I was told by a doctor that if I didn't lose weight, I would NEVER have children. This was one of the reasons I decided to start losing weight. Around 175 lbs, I started getting my period again, and I realized I needed to worry about birth control again, so I had an IUD implanted. I haven't had any problems with it (except for the first one falling out!) and I do recommend it for women who know that they don't like hormones and don't want kids for a number of years. Oh, and I do have one continual partner, and if I ever have a new one, you MUST use condoms...okay off the soapbox...

Anyway the point is, I wanted to lose weight to be reproductively healthy, and I am. I've gone ahead and lost 25 more lbs, and would like to lose 15 more. but my little post-it of hope/encouragement is still here and in a way it is still very relevant. I not only want to have children, I want to be healthy enough to run and play with them, to live a long life with them and to teach them how to eat and be healthy and strong. So I've reposted the list on the edge of my monitor, so that I can read those names and promise my children-to-be that I will continue to be healthy for them.

Success! -at this moment-

2009-04-15T07:52:00.002-07:00

I have reached some of my goals for the week and failed at others. But today I'm 151.6 which is awesome! Right about now is when I usually start over indulging and rewarding myself for losing weight. But instead I'm going to hold out for one more week.

Goals met:
Activity- I've been to the gym 3 times this week and burned about 1300 calories give or take, I'm planning on going for the next 3 days and matching that. I feel good and sore!
Tracking- I track what I eat every single day and I am conscious of what I eat, and I haven't had a binge for months.

Goals not quite met:
Alcohol-I went to a baseball game with a fella on Saturday and drank and drank and drank alcohol. sigh. So I made it to 11 days without drinking, which I guess isn't bad, but it isn't great either. But even with the added booze I still show a loss of 2.4 lbs. and I drank alotta booze. a LOT. sigh.
Dairy- I went to a mexican restaurant and thought I ordered very smartly, but the beans came with cheese on them...and I ate them anyway....oops.... But I did count the points!

I'm going to continue my goals for next week! I hope everyone is doing well! Can't wait to read all about it!

Weekly Weigh-in and Update

2009-04-08T10:36:00.002-07:00

Today I'm 154. And I'm in good spirits! I haven't had any alcohol since the 1st of the month, so one week abstinence is great. I've also decided to try the Wendie plan just to mix things up a bit. For those that don't know, the Wendie plan is basically alternating low calorie,high calorie, moderate calorie days. In the end, I'm not eating any more calories/points than I"m allowed, it just feels like I'm overindulging on some days. Really, it is no different that using the Weekly Points Allowance. It is just another name, and was developed when WW was doing their "Winning Points" or "123....Success" or something. The point is, it gets me excited to count points again, and really that's all that matters.
I've been to the gym twice this week, and I feel great about this. I'm going to start off slow. Just weight training 3x's a week at first. Then I'll add cardio in 2x a week, then 4. By August, I should be showing lots of improvement.
I hope everyone else is doing well in their programs/plans. I'll be scanning all the blogs later and I'll be sure to show some love! Have a great week everyone! Happy Hump Day!

Verdict: Washington State!

2009-04-03T12:48:00.003-07:00

So after a few months of feverishly awaiting a response from schools, here is the breakdown:

Catholic University- Accepted! (but, sorry, we have no money for you, God Bless)

UC Boulder- Accepted! (BUT, okay, we won't know if we actually have a spot for you until after Apr.15th)

Texas A&M- Accepted! (Howdy! but, sorry, we have no money for you)

Washington State University- Accepted! And we'll waive your tuition if you work 20 hours a week for us, and we'll throw in a paycheck too. Oh, and we'll fly you up here to see the school and meet your professors. Health insurance too. Please come.

So I guess I'll be leaving sunny, gorgeous Phoenix soon! I have 4 months. Any suggestions for moving to the Pacific Northwest. Specifically a tiny tiny town? (Pullman, WA)

Changing Weigh-in days

2009-04-01T09:32:00.002-07:00

I've made some decisions in the last several hours....
Last night I celebrated a friend's birthday and had some beer and shots. Then on the way home I stopped in at a McDonalds (actually two, the first one was closed....) and got a Quarter Pounder meal with a Diet Coke. As I sat in the parking lot and ate, something I swore I would never do again...I realized that I was falling back into my old familiar pattern. Get drunk then eat thousands of calories. The burger was delicious....
But, since it is the first of the month and a time for new beginnings, I have decided to stop this cycle before it begins. No alcohol for me until August 1st. Also, I will begin tracking my food and make the promise to myself that I will do this for a full four months. Also no dairy, it makes me feel tired and sick.

To recap:
For the next four months I will
-abstain from alcohol and dairy products
-track all my food
-work more physical activity into my day
-actually try and lose weight, rather than just talk about it....
fyi-I'm back at 155 lbs. but I FEEL lean....

Feeling better, weekly weigh-in

2009-03-26T10:12:00.003-07:00

So I'm feeling much better than last week. I still have some residual symptoms of the cold, but all-in-all I'm doing well. I weighed in today at 154.5.

I don't usually count half pounds, I usually just round up. But today I wanted to report 154 very badly! lol. I'm PMS-ing hardcore and could NOT stop eating yesterday. I actually didn't eat bad food, I just overate on points by 7. I seriously could not help it. Today will be better.

I'm so thankful that a 'fat day' for me means that I have to wear a size 12 pants, b/c my 10s are too snug. Since I used to be a size 20, this needs to be a celebration not a downer! Today, thanks to vanity sizing from Banana Republic, I'm wearing a size 8 royal blue dress. :) Life is so good, and I think I forget that from time to time. Instead I focus on the fact that I can't seem to weigh less than 150. I will get to 140. Even if it takes me a year, I will do it.

this s*%T sucks!

2009-03-19T08:42:00.002-07:00

First of all...I am totally sick with a cold. I know it has something to do with being on a plane with all that recirculated air. Also, the food I was fed contained a lot more dairy than I'm used to consuming, and it was really light on the vegetables. I know, I know, I didn't HAVE to eat it. I could have politely refused and gone to a supermarket, but I wanted to be part of the group. My fault, completely.

I have had a 5 lb gain.

Live and Learn. I'm back on plan today, although I won't be working out at all this week due to the cold. I haven't been sick in a year and I hate how I feel. This is awful. I know that my health is in direct corrolation with the foods that I eat. I have to stay away from dairy, otherwise I get a cold or the flu, or some type of infection. I need lots of fruit and veggies, and I need to stay away from bread as much as possible. I am SO CLOSE to my goal of 138. Hell, I'm so close to the 140's! I will get there...I just can't fall back to constant poor food choices.

Life is good.

2009-03-16T09:12:00.002-07:00

I just got back into town yesterday. I went on a trip to Washington State University (Go Cougars!) to see their anthropology program. Basically, they are offering me a full ride scholarship and I already have a TA-ship with a monthly stipend. This is the only firm offer I've recieved from a school so far. I have until April 15th to decide. I think I'm going to take it....but I am going to wait for UC Boulder to get back in touch with me. Also, Texas A and M, needs to send me something.

The trip was all inclusive, so my meals were provided for me. I gained a pound, which could have been a lot worse I think. Mostly we ate fried, cheesy crap and my blood sugar and energy levels were crazy. I also drank alcohol two nights in a row, which is a lot for me. So, luckily I only gained 1 lb. I also utilized the gym that was in the hotel, and we walked a few miles everyday, so that helped a bit.

I'm getting back on track today and eating tons of vegetables. Back to real life.....

eat more= lose weight...duh!

2009-03-10T09:11:00.002-07:00

So I don't know how I got on this weird kick a few weeks back. Instead of eating the 21 points a day I was supposed to, I started eating only 18 points a day. I know, by everything that I've learned about nutrition, that this can hinder weight loss. But for some reason, I kept doing it. So I plateaued at 152 for a couple of weeks.

Then, in chatting with a friend about it, and realizing my mistake, I decided to at least eat 20 points, and start eating my activity points, rather than 'banking' them for the weekend. In three days, I'm down to 150. All that changed was I decided to eat more. Only 11 lbs to go!

Link about zero points values

2009-03-06T09:44:00.003-07:00

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=40701

I found this to be very helpful. I ate two soft taco sized La Tortilla Factory Low Carb tortillas yesterday (a technical zero point food) and I thought.....how many can I have? Basically, the article says if you eat more than one serving at a time, you need to recalculate the points values. But, if you eat one in the morning with a veggie omelet (like I did) and one with low-fat melted cheese in the evening (like I did) then they can be counted as zero. If weight loss stalls, cut back on them.

Weekly weigh-in. Nice and steady.

2009-03-05T08:06:00.002-07:00

Hello there!

Today I weighed in at 152, the same weight I was last week. But I"m thrilled with this! I went out this weekend and binged on alcohol, but at the end of the week, I'm still the same weight I was last week.

Planning for this weekend:
Friday- late work meeting, so no booze = excellent
Saturday- meeting up with friends for dinner/drinks, ten weekly points left = 4-5 glasses of wine. not too bad, just really have to watch what I eat, lots of veggies that day.
Sunday- Family day, might go to the library, probably grocery shopping, no booze= excellent

I leave on Wednesday for Washington State. Totally excited, but I'm gonna hafta plan for snow!

two steps back.

2009-03-02T11:53:00.002-07:00

So on Friday I weighed in at 150 lbs! How amazing is that?! I then proceeded to go to happy hour with the ladies and gum down some mini chimichangas and 3 Michelob Ultras. On Saturday, I had lunch with a friend, and although what I ate wasn't that bad, (skirt steak with nopales, which are prickly pear cactus, and corn tortillas) the bottle and a half of chardonnay probably was not a good choice. !! I drink sometimes.

Then, yesterday, I finished up the weekend with oysters and mussels in a lemon caper sauce, with baked spaghetti squash. It was delicious. But I also ate about a loaf and a half of bread. Then I went out and had about 5 beers. sigh....I did not weigh in this morning....BUT I did go to the gym!! This is a great victory for me, as I've been skipping out for the last TWO weeks.

But I'm back. Today I had a great oatmeal breakfast, now I'm having some tomato soup and tonight I'm going to make something yummy and good for me. So between working out and eating like a normal rational person...I should be back to at least 152-150 by Thursday. I'm not going to worry about it.

The benefits of dental work...

2009-02-26T11:16:00.010-07:00

Well, on Monday I had two more wisdom teeth extracted.....I've lost 3 lbs since all this began. I'm now at 152. Yesterday I actually made my goal of 18 points!!! I'm very happy about this. I still had some chocolate though, but I managed my hunger very well. I ate small meals instead of big ones. Well, I DRANK/SLURPED small meals since I can't really chew anything. (Tomato soup, half a ripe avocado, etc...)

I found a great product that is very diet friendly and especially important for when sweet treats come into the office. They are called Miss Meringue Meringue Cookies, and you can have 6 of them for 1 point! They just melt in your mouth and hit the spot perfectly. I found them at Walgreens on a late night run for vicodin! :)

School Update!: I have now been accepted to Catholic University (Not going there, they aren't offering me any money) and am on the 'wait-list' for UC Boulder. (It means I'm their second choice) I was rejected at UC Santa Cruz. But that's okay! Only three more schools to go! (Brown, Texas A & M, and U of Ariz.)

One month....things I have learned

2009-02-19T08:35:00.003-07:00

It has been one month since I began counting points. I am up one pound from where I began.

What have I learned?:
-It is important to plan ahead.
-I may need to start attending meetings.
-positive: I am able to maintain my weight! ( I mean I only am up one pound, I could have gained 15 in a month)
-physical activity is important! ( I already knew this one, but lately I've been slacking..)

On Monday I had a wisdom tooth unexpectedly taken out....the dentist suggested it last minute during a filling. "Hey, want me to pop out that back tooth while your all numb?" Meanwhilst, her and the hygenists hands are in my mouth with a drill! It must have been the local anesthetic, but I said, "sure, why not?!"

So I've been eating applesauce, scrambled eggs, jello, tomato soup and mashed potatoes. Not the healthiest. Oh and lots of chocolate and anything I can let dissolve in my mouth. Surprisingly, I've been able to go over my points on this diet! WTH?! At least I haven't had any ice cream or shakes. I could never get my mouth wired shut for weightloss, b/c I think I'd just stick a pizza in a blender or something. I also have not gone to the gym b/c the Vicodin makes it hard for me to get up in the morning. But I feel lazy and when I don't work out I feel bloated. So I will get back to my routine asap.

Even though I am not at the goal weight I had set for the month, I am going to keep on going. I still only have about 16 lbs to lose which, in comparison to the 60 I've already lost, seems very very doable. I'm signing up for meetings as soon as they start at my workplace.

OH! And I was accepted into the Masters of Anthropology program at Washington State University! They will be flying me out next month to look at the campus and meet faculty! I get my own hotel room! FREE! (I don't know if I'll go there, but it is nice to know that schools want me and my brain.)

weigh too much.

2009-02-12T08:33:00.003-07:00

I did not weigh myself this morning, even though today is the 3 week mark of me counting points. I know that I have let myself slip in this regard. In fact, I find myself journaling my points but not caring how far I let them go over my target points for the day. This is not good. I have weighed myself everyday, except today, and I keep bouncing between 152-154. Up and down. I'll say I weight 153 today and call it fair.

The reason I'm not weighing myself is that I woke up and felt slim. I put on my slinky black wrap dress and I felt good. Tonight, I'm going to dinner at a special friend's house. He is going to cook. There will be wine. I'm not going to let a 'bad' weigh-in ruin my day or my evening.

I have my whole life ahead of me, and I'll probably be restricting/structuring my diet for the majority of it. Today, it doesn't matter what I weigh. :)

Today, I need a turnaround

2009-02-06T10:27:00.002-07:00

I am at a very bad point right now. I feel great, emotionally, but let me list what I have eaten today:

10 gingersnap cookies
1 apple
4 cups of coffee

That's all. So I'm going to turn this day around right now. I'm going to stop this damaging eating, because there are several more cookies I could fit into my mouth right now....and I'm going to eat 'good-for-me' foods for the rest of the day. This means green cruciferous veggies and water, and fruit if I need something sweet. Just because the morning was bad, doesn't mean the rest of the day has to be bad too.

Also I did go to the gym today and I pushed myself with the 15 lb weights! So that is good! But the cookies, were not a wise follow-up to a great workout....

Two week Weigh-in

2009-02-05T16:08:00.001-07:00

I am up a pound from last week. :( I have been really really good about working out, but I did go a little crazy on the weekend. Lots of beer and I ate too much food. This week I"ve continued to struggle with eating sugar. There was so much cake this week at work! This weekend we are celebrating my brother's 33 birthday and I am going to make a reduced sugar cake for him. Today I had gingersnaps, yesterday I had 2 pieces of cake. I must stop the sugar eating.

I won't classify the eating of these things as binges. I didn't get flustered or excited about eating them like during a binge, I just ate them, so that is good and bad. But I made sure to walk extra on the treadmill and got my ass out of bed at 5 to go to the gym. I feel really good about this!

This Saturday I'm meeting some friends for dinner at the Macaroni Grill, I have 6 extra points left for the week. I wish I had more, but 6 is still good to work with. I might be able to not use them all too!

an anniversary

2009-02-02T11:32:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was my one year diet anniversary. I can't believe it has already been one whole year since I started this process! As of yesterday, I have lost about 72 lbs.

What I'm most surprised about is that I still have about 15 lbs to lose! I know it is a lot and I should be thrilled with what I've accomplished, but there is always room for improvement I guess.

Here are some things I am greatful for that are a direct result of losing weight:
-my love of vegetables
-sitting in chairs without hanging over the seat.
-buying size 10
-seeing the muscles in my arms.
-being smiled at by everyone
-I get my period now! (yesh, I was THAT overweight, it had left me...)
-I no longer feel awkward around my beautiful friends.

Other than that...my life is pretty much the same. But in a good way....

spunkysuzi working towards a healthier me: Glad i took my dinner :)

2009-01-29T08:29:00.001-07:00

spunkysuzi has a great post about temptation....

spunkysuzi working towards a healthier me: Glad i took my dinner :)

One week, 3 lb loss! :)

2009-01-28T13:37:00.003-07:00

I'm thrilled with this! I've been active everyday for at least 30 minutes. I also have been adding in little bits of activity whenever I can, ie taking the stairs, going for a small walk on my break. Also, I've been trying really hard to stick to my 20 point allowance. Here is my food intake from yesterday. Notice, it is only 1.5 points over. Not bad! However...cookies and cake are on the list and make up 7 of my points!!!! I had to have zero point soup for dinner! Today I will strive to eat foods that are nourishing and anti-inflammatory for my body. Although I'm trying to lose weight, I also am trying to be healthy.

Items Chart

Item	Points	Action
WW english muffin	1	remove
Veggie Sausage	2	remove
2 egg whites	1	remove
green tea	0	remove
shortbread cookie	2	remove
banana	2	remove
apple	1	remove
5 dutch cookies!!:)	3	remove
fiber one	1	remove
almond milk	1	remove
cranberries	1	remove
fruit/veggie plate	1.5	remove
sliver of cake	2	remove
spinach	0	remove
steamed veggies	0	remove
couple strawberries	0.5	remove
tortilla w/homemade hummus	2.5	remove
Total Consumed	21.5 points
My Quota	20 points
Left to Consume	-1.5 points

8 glasses of water consumed.

Things are good

2009-01-27T09:18:00.002-07:00

I'm just plugging away on this new adventure. So far so good, I guess. I've been dipping in to my WPA's although I was a little scared to do that at first. Because I've been starving myself for months (less than 600 calories a day, doctor supervised...) I'm afraid that if I go too high in calories I will gain weight. I know it will be a period of adjustment and trial and error for me.

I'm really trying to stick to 20 points a day. Yesterday, I had mystery Chinese good luck cookies that were delicious and not too sweet, but I had no idea what their point value was, so I guessed. I counted each as 6 points, just to be careful. So I was 9 points over goal, maybe. I learned yesterday, it is important to be as accurate as possible with counting points. I won't be eating anything that I cannot easily look up the point value for from now on. It caused me too much anxiety.

Ms. Bitchcakes had a great post this morning. It was all about goal setting. My goal for the week will be to be active at least 30 minutes everyday. So far, I have done this. Sun- Treadmill 30min. Monday- Weight training w/trainer, 20 min walk, Today- 30min on the Treadmill.

I'm confident I can keep this up!

Awesome Tracker on Facebook

2009-01-24T19:02:00.002-07:00

What a great day this was!!! I'm so proud of myself! I felt full all day and have already lost 2 lbs. Of course this may be due to the fact that I'm drinking tons of water, but it still makes me feel better. Just as a gauge, for those of you who lost weight with WW, how fast did you lose weight in the beginning?

Items Chart

Item	Points	Action
Raspberries	1	remove
banana	2	remove
almond milk	1	remove
mini bagel	1	remove
Pita bread	2	remove
eggless mayo	1	remove
green beans	0	remove
lettuce	0	remove
3 oz salmon	4	remove
120g ww pasta	5	remove
1/2 c. sauce	1	remove
broccoli	0	remove
grapes	1	remove
popcorn	1	remove
Total Consumed	20 points
My Quota	20 points
Left to Consume	0 points

8 glasses of water consumed.

"And what is it you plan to do with your one, wild, and precious life?"- Mary Oliver

2009-01-23T12:45:00.004-07:00

I plan on being happy and healthy! Day two of my new life! Here is the rundown so far (I know this is probably boring for some of you who have been a WW for awhile, but it helps me a little, I found a great tracker on facebook and will be using that from now on) :

breaky:
Starbucks Oatmeal w/dried fruit (4)
coffee w/splash of soymilk (1)

snack:
almonds (4)
cranberries (2)
apple (1)
(avoided my bosses' cookies like the plague!!)

lunch:
cucumber salad (0)
spray dressing (0)
strawberries (1)

subtotal: 13/20

snack 2:
grapes (1)
1/2 a soy yogurt (1)
1/2 a serving of flax (.5)

din-din:Must equal 4.5
3.5 oz Salmon (4.5)
Salad (0)
Vinegar (0)

Total= 20 points! yay me!

A New Beginning, and it Feels Great!

2009-01-22T08:02:00.004-07:00

Today I weighed in at a respectable 154 lbs. I feel great in my body, but wouldn't mind losing another 15 lbs. So my target goal weight is 139 lbs. And I feel GREAT about it! Update: Okay, so here is what I planned to eat....and in red is what I really ate.

Point Goal: 20

Breakfast:
1/2 cup oatmeal (2pts) yes
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce (1) yes
Flax Seed (1) yes
2 cups coffee yes

Lunch:
2 cups Black Bean Soup (5) yes
small salad (0) /Large Baked Potato (6)
2 tsps. Olive Oil (2) /1c. steamed veggies (0)
vinegar /2 TBL sour cream (2)

Snack:
Banana (2) /Oatmeal Cookie (7)

Dinner: /I cannot eat anything for dinner, b/c I am now at 24 points. Live and learn, I guess...
3 oz Salmon (4)
1 cup Steamed Veggies (0)
Soy Yogurt (2)
1 cup Berries (1)

I am so happy!

2009-01-21T18:45:00.004-07:00

Okay. First I want to apologize to my friends and family who have said this same thing to me over the last few months. I am sorry.

Let me explain:
Today I was overheard by a coworker, N, saying that I was so depressed because of the fast. I was so hungry and unhappy and it is so hard.

He looked at me like I was crazy and said "I'm not a doctor, but you do NOT need to lose any more weight. 20 lbs? I don't think you need to lose 20 lbs." and a light went off in my head. He is absolutely right. I could lose 20 lbs. but I don't NEED to lose 20 lbs.

I am giving a big 'f-you' to the fast and embracing sensible weight loss/maintenence from here on out! I'm going to be counting points and eating fruit and oatmeal!!!! you don't know how happy that makes me! I was so afraid of being a failure, but I"M NOT ONE! I've lost 30% of my body weight!!! that is insane! Here are pics for perspective: The one on top is from the 31st of January, 2008, the day before I started the fast. The bottom one was taken 20 minutes ago in the same spot, different angle. Yes. I could lose 20 lbs, no I don't want to gain weight, yes I could just stay where I"m at for the rest of my life.

I"m so happy about my decision. I feel like a tremendous weight has lifted off my shoulders. I will start posting my new food diary tomorrow. My new goal is a sensible 1 to 2 lbs a week until I lose an additional 15 lbs.

I need encouragement! Please! I'm excited but also a little scared!

Giant leap back on the path to adulthood....

2009-01-21T07:23:00.002-07:00

So although I try to be a nice girl 80% of the time, I do tend to be naughty 20%. I had an amazing date with a wonderful man on Friday. Everything you wish for in a man. Kind, funny, talkative, interesting, successful, handsome, a real gentleman. Then I had plans on Saturday that fell through, I ended up getting gussied up and hit the town alone. Bad idea. I don't weigh as much as I used to (yay!) so I cannot drink as much as I used to (boo!). But old bartenders who remembered me from my drinking days still continued to serve me as though I was 60 lbs heavier. And of course, if they pour, I drink. We settled into our old relationship quite quickly.

Driving drunk is never a good idea. Driving while hammered, is even worse. Drunk dialing the gentleman that you had a great date with 24 hours before, is worse than death. I had to apologize to him the next day. and to my car. which now has a nice dent in it. So he cancelled our lunch plans for yesterday, says he was in meetings all day, but of course I can't help but think it was really due to the fact that I'm a naughty girl, and what nice guy wants a naughty girl. (who probably should have gotten a DUI.) He says he still wants to see me. I guess we will see what happens. This is why I should not drink. Ever.

So I constantly throw roadblocks in my path to greatness. Why is that? I'm restarting my diet today. I haven't weighed myself in a week, b/c I don't want to be discouraged. My size 10 pants still fit, snug, so I haven't totally gone off the deep end. But I'd like to be in 8's by the end of February.

I"m not proud.

2009-01-15T15:46:00.003-07:00

but I had a binge today. I could run down the list of everything I ate...but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I did it at all. Binges can consist of one cookie, or ten bags of potato chips. In the end, a binge is a binge. I wasn't feeling particularly bad, actually I am having a great day! I just wanted to eat. and it felt good. No one said dieting was easy.

Doctor's Appointment- 15 lbs gone!

2009-01-12T16:38:00.003-07:00

Well my appointment went so very very well today! And I did something that I haven't done in a long time....I WENT TO THE GYM!!!! And I feel great about it. My trainer said he was gonna email me today if I hadn't shown up. I'm a little sore, and my heart felt like it was gonna pop out of my chest, but all in all I feel great.

More about the appointment....The dietician in the office said I was doing wonderfully on the diet and that I should expect to lose about 7 lbs in the next 2 weeks. Then she said that I only have 72 days until I hit 125. !!! Who wants to weigh 125?! I'd look ill!! What is the matter with these people? I do know that I used to think they were crazy when they told me I'd weigh less than 160, and now I'm 150 and I feel like I definitely have at least 10 more lbs to lose. But I don't want to weigh 125. Maybe I'll feel differently at 135......

I have a date on Friday. I am terrified. I really really really want to go, but there are issues. Always....issues. The event is to kick off the P.F. Chang's Rock and Roll Marathon and they will be providing free food and alcohol. Those are, possibly, my favorite four words in the English language: "free food and alcohol". And I know I will partake. Unless I don't go. But I really want to go. It is at a very expensive and fancy (by Arizona standards) resort, the Arizona Biltmore. And I don't always have a reason to go there, and the gift bags are great! ( I went last year, and they gave everyone a bottle of champagne! ) So I am going. But I will NOT, CANNOT let one night ruin my diet. I will return to the diet immediately the next morning. This is final.

Update:
I now have TWO dates this weekend. On Saturday night I'm going out with another guy to a Tapas and Tequila party at a resort....again...I desperately want to go...I will not beat myself up about it and instead be smart. I will watch my portions, and only have three glasses of wine. I can do it. Who wants to be smashed on a date anyway?! Just because I'm cheating, doesn't mean it has to turn into a binge.

Envy - the green devil

2009-01-09T10:32:00.005-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about envy in the last few days. It was prompted by a surprise communication with an old high school acquaintence. He found me on a social networking site and I invited him to hang out with another old friend this weekend. I decided to take a look at my old yearbook and reminise a bit.

As I started looking at those pictures of smiling faces, and reading some of the things my BFF's wrote (don't ever change, call me whenever, we will ALWAYS be friends....etc.) I was suddenly feeling very very insecure again. Remembering those feelings of being totally unattractive, fat and unlovable. I see now that those feelings were baseless, but still that was how I felt at the time. And I did go to school with some *gorgeous* girls. I've spoken to a few friends about these feelings, and they say that everyone pretty much felt bad about themselves in high school. I just hope I don't revert to that shy, meek, high schooler at the reunion at the end of this year. And I although I didn't realize it at the time, I guess I was a little envious of the girls who had all the boys drooling over them...

I am still at 152 lbs and have been for 3 days. I'd like to see if I can shave off a lb or two by Monday (Dr's appt), but I'm still happy with a 13 lb loss. Now back to envy. Although it has slowed down quite a bit, I am told often by ladies at work how envious/jealous they are of me. "I just don't know how you do it. I can't stick to a diet longer than a day." "You are so thin. It is simply unbelievable. I wish I had what you had." I was uncomfortable with these statements at first and didn't know what to say. Now I just smile and say "Thank you. It is hard." I am no different from anyone else. At times I have felt so crazy on this journey and have cried myself to sleep, stuffed my face with thousands of calories in one sitting, considered making myself throw up, binged on alcohol/sex, and had mini-nervous breakdowns. I don't wish this upon anyone. "Do not be envious of me! I'm crazy and just barely holding on at any given second!" I want to scream. But of course I don't. I just smile and say, "Thank you." :) One day at a time, I guess....I just wish time would speed up.....

Challenge Update - 13 lbs gone!

2009-01-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a challenging day. I had a late night meeting to go to, and I had to stop off at my weekend job (coffee shop) to pick up my tips. For a fleeting millisecond I thought about grabbing a cookie with my cup of joe, but decided against it, and marched right out to my car. It is hard b/c basically, if I wanted, I could have all the free/or discounted pastries I want from the store.

Then while driving to the meeting I was daydreaming about my favorite subject, my crazy love life. I am single but there are several men in my life who are always flying around, (friends, lovers, ex-lovers, wannabe lovers, etc.) So then I start getting annoyed/fidgety/anxious about these situations in my life, and I think about stopping somewhere and eating an entire layer cake. I don’t. But I think about it.

So I now weigh 13 lbs less than I did on Friday. The problem with this is that the last three times I was at this weight I started thinking “well, I can cheat a little. I deserve it! And look how easy it is for me to lose weight. I’ll just cheat and then make up for it before my doctor’s appointment. It’s only one cupcake.” But then I have the cupcake and I think, “Well, I’m out of ketosis now, I might as well live it up for the rest of the day, I’ll start the fast again tomorrow. I can be in ketosis again 3 days from now….” But that one day turns into a week, and before you know it , I’m not fasting, I’m not eating healthy, I’m just eating. And thus the cycle goes, for the last 6 months. Which is why I keep yo-yoing from 150 to 165, again, and again.

NOT THIS TIME!

This time I have my wits about me and the blogosphere for inspiration. I will not rest or be lenient until I have reached my goal of 132. (weird number I know…I’m weird…) Then, at 132. I will have cake, but I will also not fall back on the fact that I know how to lose weight. I will instead be vigilant about keeping it off!

Morning 3 of the Fast (Challenge update- 8lbs lost!)

2009-01-04T09:32:00.003-07:00

I've been a very good girl, and as of yet I haven't had any of my crazy cravings or thoughts about ruining my diet.

However, I am obsessed again with food planning for the future. I get like this, where I just watch the Food Network and think about food I'm going to eat someday. Yesterday in fact I did a weeks worth of menus that combined both Dr. Weil's Anti-inflammatory plan with Weight Watchers. Having never 'done' WW, I'm not sure if the daily point value is good for weight loss, but I think it is good for maintenance. (between 20-24 a day). So at least I have a plan that I can follow once I"m down to goal.

I told everyone in my life that I would only do the fast until the end of January, but now I'm thinking until the end of February. This of course, freaked my mom out. She knows how crazy the fast makes me. How do people decide a goal weight? If I went by what my doctor says, I'd be 125 lbs. That seems too small to me. I like how I look around 145, but I know that would be on the heavier side of a healthy weight range. So that's why I picked 130...but 135 sounds good too....AAARRRGHH!!!!

Well, my weight today is 157, which is a loss of 8 lbs from Thursday. (It's all water I'm sure, but after this, any loss will be fat.)

After a great suggestion from a co-worker, I'm going to treat myself after every 10 lbs loss.
1st 10 lbs= Hair trim/color
2nd 10 lbs= Pedicure
3rd 10 lbs= Fantastically gorgeous peacoat! (They should be on sale in Phoenix by the end of Feb.)

*FiTCETERA*: Scale Love Sunday

Happy New Year! Plus finally starting the challenge

2009-01-02T09:33:00.007-07:00

Hello! Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a fabulous time!

I only have one resolution for this year, and it has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with being healthy!

I resolve to have MORE FUN in 2009!

I gained a lot from dieting in 2008. I learned that if I set my mind to something I can do it. I stopped using alcohol to numb my pain. I made better choices in life. I lost 60 lbs.

However, to do all this I also sacrificed time with friends, and other fun social occasions. Some people say that you can lose weight and still have a life...this unfortunantly does not work for me. I have to distance myself from social situations that contain food and alcohol. The temptation is just too much for me.

I will be reaching my weight goal in the first half of this new year. After that I will allow myself the time to have fun and reconnect with people.

Today I started the fast again. This morning I didn't feel like eating so I skipped breakfast at home and decided to eat at work. Nothing like a can of tuna for breakfast! Aww the joys of a high protein diet! :)

Challenges to the Challenge

2008-12-29T07:53:00.005-07:00

About a week ago I agreed to take part in a 6 week challenge. Although I would never admit failure...it has definitely been a challenge. On the other hand, I have had some great times and been to great parties! So, although I didn't follow my plan this past week, I will make great efforts to stick to the plan, without beating myself up about it.

Here are some of the great things that happened:

Christmas-turkey, gravy, stuffing, cookies!! deelish! In the evening..I went to my good friends' house and threw back a couple.

Then on Friday I was able to go to a fancy schmanzy dinner downtown at the new Sheraton hotel. It was to celebrate the opening of the new Metro Light Rail system in Phoenix. A momentus occasion....with an open bar....! My friend, who works for the governor, gave the keynote speech!! Which was a surprise, but totally awesome!

Then on Saturday, there was another get-together at a friends' home. I brought my mom, since she never gets out, and we both had a great time!

She said something to me this morning that made me feel a lot better. She said that I have no deadline to be 130lbs. and when I do get there, it will be at the right time. I have a weigh-in at my doctor's today, so I'm nervous, but I have to remember some important things:

I've lost 60+ lbs. I'm only 30 away from goal. I really only need to lose 20 to be in a healthy weight range. And most importantly: I feel great! I am healthy, have a great job, and I have friends who care about me, and parents who love me. These are the important things in life.

Small Victories/Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T08:13:00.003-07:00

So this morning I woke up at 4:30 am and I thought "I don't have to go to the gym...my trainers won't be there anyway..." Then I thought about all the cookies I had eaten and got myself out of bed.

I drove all the way downtown, my gym is rather far from home, but close to work, and it was closed!!! They wouldn't be opening until 7 am, which means I wouldn't have time to go and get ready for work and be there on time.

But I decided to walk the stairs at my office instead! I thought this would be a great way to work some cardio in today. I get to work at 6 am and realize that my badge doesn't open the building doors like it is supposed to!! So I had to sneak in behind some guys who had good badges...I work at a government building, so this is a little unnerving, but they did give me a good once over and I did have a badge on....

Then, the stairwell was locked!!! It was like God, or maybe the devil, didn't want me to work out today! But I was determined at this point, even if I just did laps around the building.

My building has two banks of elevators, and of course the one to the 11th floor was not working yet, so I had to take the first bank to the 10th floor, but they wouldn't move when I pushed the button! I was lucky enough to find someone with a good badge who could make the elevators move and I made it to the tenth floor and the stairwell.

I work on a secured floor, and I knew my badge wouldn't let me access it until at least 6:45, so I plopped my bags on the stairwell floor and started climbing. I walked up and down for 15 minutes. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but climbing real stairs is hard! My heart was definitely pumping. Luckily my floor has showers, (I guess so the public officials can freshen up for late meetings, or really early mornings...I have no idea) so I was able to get all sweaty and then clean up for work. I took a pic of myself today. Does anyone else feel that it is helpful to take lots and lots of pictures of yourself? I still think of myself as fat, and the pictures seem to help sometimes.

So I got some excerise in! Victory for me! Merry Christmas everyone!!

The Picture Tells it All........

2008-12-23T12:26:00.003-07:00

A plate of homemade Christmas goodies given to me by my boss......it was a lot fuller this morning....but back to the challenge!!! Failure is not an option...

Fitness through the Holidays

2008-12-23T08:05:00.002-07:00

I have been very dedicated to going to the gym three days a week for the past 5 months. It helps that my trainers are awesome and that their program is unique. I'm sure there are other programs like this, kind of like group circuit training. I go in the mornings around 5:30 am with a group of likewise dedicated ladies. I think we really keep each other motivated and we care about one another. So sometimes I'm lying in bed and I think, 'I don't want to get up, it's so cold. But if I don't get up, Linda will wonder where I was, and I wonder if Sandy's son feels better? Oh fine, I'll just get up and go see them!" Then I'm up and out the door!

I know I"ve gained muscle because there have been weeks where I didn't lose very much weight, but my clothes became way too big. Both of my trainers, Bob and Matt, say that during the holidays most people forgo going to the gym. This is the EXACT time that people need to make sure that they burn those extra calories!! So Bob and Matt are taking 2 weeks off due to lack of participation, but they are going to post the workouts at the gym and we are free to come in and do them ourselves. I'm making the commitment to do this.

I am also making the commitment to a 6 week challenge that I read about through spunkisuzi.

That challenge happens to be the exact amount of time it will take me to get to my goal weight on the fast. I WILL be 133 lbs by January 31st. This will equal an unbelieveable 90 lb loss!

I purchased a new camera!

2008-12-20T15:24:00.008-07:00

I'm very excited about it! I bought it from my friend Matt and I am very very impressed with it so far.

It is super tiny and slim, and I can take it with me wherever I go! This is Matt and I during/after the exchange!
We were at a Sweet Tomatoes and we got the drink attendant to take our picture. She was a cute sweet older lady who seemed kind of apologetic about her picture taking skills. I think it turned out fine! It was my first time at a buffet in about a year and I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself. I didn't gorge myself until I wanted to die, like I thought I might!

However, I did stop to do some Christmas shopping dangerously close to an awesome bakery downtown. Tammie Coe's! This lady has made fondant icing (european icing) a favorite in Phoenix.

I ended up thinking about her red velvet/buttercream frosting cupcakes, and had to stop in. I do a really weird thing...whenever I get a pastry, I HAVE to have a cup of black coffee with it, which I for some reason sweeten with Splenda. Why don't I just use sugar?! It's like a diet coke with a large fry and a hamburger. Makes no sense.....Here is my contraband:
I must have got a little excited, b/c as you can see I did spill my americano a little. The espresso was great! Illy brand is my favorite, much better than that shit they serve at Starbucks....ahem...yes I still work at the bux on the weekends.......But our cupcakes are nothin' like the ones at Tammy Coe's! Deelish!

So my willpower is low to say the least and I'm lacking motivation in the weight loss department. So I posed for some pics to get my mind back to where it needs to be for me to succeed. I'm a little bloated from lunch. But this awful, dangerous, and unhealthy abdominal fat is exactly what I need to lose. The top picture was taken about 2 months ago when I was starting to feel skinny. The bottom pic was taken today. Honestly, I don't see much of a difference. hmm. I also purchased the latest O magazine, hoping to find some answers. It is the one where Oprah says she fell off the wagon and 2009 is going to be the year we should all put ourselves first. She's annoying, but she might be right!

Everyday Struggles

2008-12-19T11:14:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about my own personal struggles. (obviously) I think it is interesting how one person can struggle so much with something that seems arbitrary to another. I was supposed to restart my diet today, see yesterday's post, yet I started off the day with a brownie and a cup of coffee. Not the healthiest choice.

The other day, I wandered onto an acquaintence's blog. I may post a link here later, but due to the nature of the blog, I'm not sure if she would like that. She is an anorexic and her struggles are interesting to me because they seem like the negative image of my own struggles. Kind of like a similar opposite or something. For instance, she too has a goal weight, but her struggle is in gaining the weight to meet that goal. As she gets closer to the weight she needs to be, the more scared she becomes and the less and less she wants to eat.

The lowest weight I have reached on this diet is 144 lbs. At this weight I had a small nervous breakdown and a binge. It started out as a normal day.

I was at the gym in the locker room getting ready for work, talking to all my gym buddies. I pulled my pants on and realized they were too big, but I thought maybe they would work. My gym buddy said "Girl, those pants are too big! You better get to Wal-mart and get some pants for the office!" So off I went to Wallyworld, it was the only thing open at 7 am.

I grabbed a handful of pants to try on, and realized size 12's were all too big, and the 10's and the 8's......the fitting room attendant brought me a 6. (I know now that Wal-mart sizes are off, and that size 6 is probably more like an 8, but at the time I didn't know that) I wanted to cry. The attendant probably thought I was nuts. I ended up buying a skirt and the pair of pants in a 6. And 3 candy bars and a coke, which I ate in my car.

I then proceeded to stop at Starbucks and get a cup of coffee and two pastries. Then, I wanted more, but I didn't want the baristas to think I was a pig, so I went to ANOTHER Starbucks and got a cup of coffee and two pastries. It didn't end. There is a Starbucks on the first floor of the building I work in and I stopped there and got two pumpkin cookies. You know the ones I'm talking about, with chocolate. So I probably consumed about 2000 calories in the course of an hour.

Here was my thought process: "Oh my god! I'm shrinking into nothing! What am I doing to myself?! I'm losing myself!" I even called my mom in the line at Wal-mart and told her that I was a size six. Her reaction was "Oh my god, you need to stop dieting." We both freaked out. Having always been a plump and squishy girl, it was terrifying. I know this does not make sense to most people, but it was/is how I feel.

So, like my acquaintence, as I get closer to my goal weight, I become uncomfortable and display behaviors converse to my original intents. I felt so bad about the binge that day, that I immediately made an appointment with a therapist. Over the course of the next month I gained 20 lbs back. I've lost ten of those lbs, and am trying to at least get back to 144 and not be scared.

I'd like to figure out why I get scared. I think partly it is because being fat is an outward sign of imperfections. Like it is a way to tell people when I meet them "hey, I'm not perfect, so don't expect me to live up to your expectations....I can't help it if I disappoint you..."

The therapist also taught me a lot about binge eating in general, which I will share with you at another time.

SLOOOOW day at work

2008-12-18T11:24:00.005-07:00

I'm NOT complaining. Sometimes gov't work is slow, then it zips up to lightspeed in no time. So quiet is good right now.

I have two lists for you today. The first is a list of things you can do to curb overeating during the holidays. The second is the list of schools/programs that I'm applying to.

Okay, my weightloss doctor gave me this list:

-Eat a little something before you go to the party.
This reminds me of a scene from "Gone with the Wind" where the genteel ladies eat before they go to the picnic, so they don't look like pigs. I am not genteel. :/ However, eating some soup or munching on some crunchy veggies is a good idea so that you can't stuff any more food in your tummy. Like cookies.......

-Limit alcohol.
This sucks. I love booze. But it does have tons of calories, and it really isn't very good for women to drink at ALL from a health perspective. Even all those studies about red wine and dark beer say that it is even healthier not to drink at all. Maybe it is just me, but I find that I get pretty drunk off of things with bubbles, like champagne or beer. Then have soda water (NOT tonic, tonic is full of calories) with lime in it between drinks.

-Eat plenty of (plain) veggies.
I know the ranch dip is tempting, but veggies taste good all on their own! Seriously! Make sure that for each plate of food you get, veggies make up half.

-Have a fun wager to lose some weight.
I read about this in the paper yesterday. People lose more weight if they have the chance to win some money. During the holiday season have a friendly wager to lose 5% body weight with a friend. That way, even if you don't win and have to cough up 20 bucks, you probably won't have gained any weight. (11 lbs is the average holiday weight gain people!)

-Sign up for a 5K.
January has tons of 5 and 10K events all over the country. I'm training for a Petsmart Petwalk myself. Even if you don't LOSE weight, the extra excercise may combat the extra calories we are all consuming at "the most wonderful time of the year".

Okay, and here is my school list, I could use good thoughts and/or prayers if you are so inclined. (I know I'm not, but good vibes are good vibes!)

(the following are for Anthropology, PhD programs)
Washington State University
Texas A&M
UC - Santa Cruz
Brown Univ.
University of Arizona
the Catholic University of America
University of Colorado- Boulder
and
Sarah Lawrence (Women's History, MA)

How did she do it?

2008-12-18T08:53:00.002-07:00

That is the million dollar question I know. Well, I'll give the general overview.

I was 226 lbs and I no longer was having my period. At first I thought I might be preggers, but then the doctor said, nope, you are just waaay too fat. So at first I was diagnosed as possibly having a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is an endocrine disorder so I was referred to an endocrinologist.

He looked me right in the eye and said "You don't have PCOS. You are 75 lbs overweight. If you lose the weight, you will be fine and you'll start menstruating again. I don't care how you do it, but you have to lose weight. You're a pretty girl, don't you think you'd be happier if you weighed less?"

I ignored his last comment, and freaked out about how I was going to lose the weight. 75 lbs! When I had never attempted serious diet in my life?! I really do like myself, and how I look and I always had men in my life, so if I ever gained weight...I just bought a bigger size and didn't worry too much about it. I also had a very bad drinking problem which led to binge eating, but I'll discuss that at a later time.

So I was at a gynecologist appointment whining to her about how I had no idea how to lose the weight. She had a suggestion of a doctor she had heard about, but never met, who ran a weight loss program. She gave me the name of it and I set off in search....

Basically, the ,expensive, program is a "Protein Sparing Modified Fast". In its simplest form, it is eating the lowest amount of calories in the form of protein that a person can consume without starving. It puts the body into ketosis, like Atkins, and does not take it out. The longest you can do a diet like this is four months then you have to refeed or your organs can shut down. I lost 50 lbs in the first 4 months. I do take supplements so that I don't have electrolyte issues like people who have anorexia and I also get my blood tested every two weeks. I have about 25 more lbs to lose to be at my goal weight. (around 130). Since it is Christmas time, and I work in an office, this is really very very hard. Right now, I"m eating cookies someone dropped off for us. Cookies and anything with sugar is totally off limits on this diet. It is easier to say what I can eat, than list off what I can't. I can eat lean meat and certain vegetables. I measure everything out. No more than 9 oz of meat a day. No tofu, just meat. This is definitely not for vegetarians.

But today...cookie day! I'll restart the diet tomorrow. I didn't cheat once in the first four months, but now it is so much harder. Because I'm a size 10 and in the 150's, so I really like how I look! And I think sometimes,"why am I still dieting?". But I need to have a healthy BMI and I want some cushion room to gain some weight back after the fast. I will NEVER be fat again. For my health, I never want to be over 150 again for the rest of my life.

Wow. I suck at this...:)

2008-12-17T18:54:00.006-07:00

So much has happened in the past year. I am settled in an amazing position at the city, I have actually turned in grad school applications, and I've lost 60 lbs. I blog constantly on my myspace page so you should all check that out if you are bored. But I really am going to start blogging on here more as I attempt to lose the last of my poundage. I'm inspired by all the wonderful WW blogs that I read on a daily basis. Even though I didn't use WW to lose my weight, I'm thinking of joining to do my maintenance. I'm also going to start posting recipes that I love and posting pictures of my life, as well as venting about just how hard it really is to lose the last 20 (30). Above, is a before picture of me in May or so of 2007, and at the bottom of this post, is an after picture taken a few months ago in 2008. I'm really going to strive to make this blog honest and hopefully inspirational. Losing weight isn't easy, and there are many many other factors that go into eating/weight gain/weight loss/and emotions. Being fat masked some of the issues I had with food/emotions, and as the fat came off, sometimes I felt like an open wound. But I hope to work through these issues and maybe I'll even help others along the way. -Penny Dreadful

today is a good day.

2007-08-05T11:33:00.001-07:00

I had to work at 4 am. Oh how I will miss these days. yuck. Actually it is kind of nice to get up that early and be done with work by noon or so. I went to the gym today. I feel good. I'm letting my funk get the better of me, and I can NOT do that. I found a great resource for women with PCOS. www.soulcysters.com I might start posting on this site, but I'm not sure. Happy Sunday!

Hour long telephone interview!

2007-08-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I just had an hour long phone interview with the Providence Children's Museum. I really want to move there and join the Americorps program. I think that getting out of the desert would be really great for me. I've never lived anywhere else and I'm 26 years old. I need a change of scenery and new faces. Unfortunately my references have yet to send the necessary paperwork back about me. I'm going to ask my work supervisor to fill it out instead... Then I have to videotape myself teaching it to someone and send it to the volunteer coordinator. I would have to leave Sept. 15. Very soon to be moving all the way across the country.......yikes! So I might have an adrenal tumor. Which is awesome. I also may have PCOS or at least a form of it. equally awesome....Here is a pic of my doggie, Pepper

First post

2007-08-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

This blog is an experiment. I am currently in the throws of a quarter-life crisis and am trying to figure out how I want to live my life. I know there are others out there who feel exactly the same. Past the age of drug experimentation, and long late nights talking about religion and politics. Past college. Past childishness and friends who suck the life out of you. Now is the time that I start focusing on myself and my personal growth. I have friends who have had luck changing their lives by creating a blog. I hope their success will transfer to me.