I'm changing my life. Completely.

I haven't written in a while. I guess I have been scared. I'm not sure why, since no one I actually know in life reads this blog. I suppose I was scared of myself. I haven't been going to WW meetings. I recently cancelled my membership, but kept the online account. It isn't that the program doesn't work, it is just that I'm not working it.

On March 10, the day before I flew to California to spend a week with a guy I'm dating, I was pulled over on a suspected DUI. This is something that I have deserved for at least 8 years. Although I'm not glad it happened, I am not at all surprised. The state of Washington offers a deferred sentence for those who are diagnosed as mentally ill or chemically dependent. After five years of intense treatment and sobriety, a DUI case can be dismissed. I fortunantly (or unfortunantly) have been found to qualify for this program.

As I have stated before, my relationship with alcohol is something that I have trouble controlling. In the last 10 years (I'm 28) the longest I have been totally sober has been 4 months. Luckily, I do not abuse or use any other types of drugs. My relationship with my weight, food, and alcohol are all related. This is something I have recognized for several years. I am not afraid to be sober, but I am afraid to fail. It is like I felt prior to losing 70 lbs. I was not afraid to diet, but I was afraid to fail.

Should I not complete the intensive 2 year treatment and the subsequent 3 years of sobriety, I will automatically recieve a DUI. The sobriety will hopefully begin for me on June 1st, although my treatment will begin at the end of July. I am afraid of a few things. Failing, losing friends, being depressed, being a basketcase, crying, hurting my parents, becoming boring, not drinking champagne at my wedding or 30th birthday. Luckily my fella has said that if I stop drinking it will not affect our relationship. He is not a regular drinker, thankfully.

I don't know how to tell my parents. I have not told them about my DUI. I am tired of disappointing them.