Challenges to the Challenge

About a week ago I agreed to take part in a 6 week challenge. Although I would never admit failure...it has definitely been a challenge. On the other hand, I have had some great times and been to great parties! So, although I didn't follow my plan this past week, I will make great efforts to stick to the plan, without beating myself up about it.

Here are some of the great things that happened:

Christmas-turkey, gravy, stuffing, cookies!! deelish! In the evening..I went to my good friends' house and threw back a couple.

Then on Friday I was able to go to a fancy schmanzy dinner downtown at the new Sheraton hotel. It was to celebrate the opening of the new Metro Light Rail system in Phoenix. A momentus occasion....with an open bar....! My friend, who works for the governor, gave the keynote speech!! Which was a surprise, but totally awesome!

Then on Saturday, there was another get-together at a friends' home. I brought my mom, since she never gets out, and we both had a great time!

She said something to me this morning that made me feel a lot better. She said that I have no deadline to be 130lbs. and when I do get there, it will be at the right time. I have a weigh-in at my doctor's today, so I'm nervous, but I have to remember some important things:

I've lost 60+ lbs. I'm only 30 away from goal. I really only need to lose 20 to be in a healthy weight range. And most importantly: I feel great! I am healthy, have a great job, and I have friends who care about me, and parents who love me. These are the important things in life.

Small Victories/Merry Christmas!

So this morning I woke up at 4:30 am and I thought "I don't have to go to the gym...my trainers won't be there anyway..." Then I thought about all the cookies I had eaten and got myself out of bed.

I drove all the way downtown, my gym is rather far from home, but close to work, and it was closed!!! They wouldn't be opening until 7 am, which means I wouldn't have time to go and get ready for work and be there on time.

But I decided to walk the stairs at my office instead! I thought this would be a great way to work some cardio in today. I get to work at 6 am and realize that my badge doesn't open the building doors like it is supposed to!! So I had to sneak in behind some guys who had good badges...I work at a government building, so this is a little unnerving, but they did give me a good once over and I did have a badge on....

Then, the stairwell was locked!!! It was like God, or maybe the devil, didn't want me to work out today! But I was determined at this point, even if I just did laps around the building.

My building has two banks of elevators, and of course the one to the 11th floor was not working yet, so I had to take the first bank to the 10th floor, but they wouldn't move when I pushed the button! I was lucky enough to find someone with a good badge who could make the elevators move and I made it to the tenth floor and the stairwell.

I work on a secured floor, and I knew my badge wouldn't let me access it until at least 6:45, so I plopped my bags on the stairwell floor and started climbing. I walked up and down for 15 minutes. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but climbing real stairs is hard! My heart was definitely pumping. Luckily my floor has showers, (I guess so the public officials can freshen up for late meetings, or really early mornings...I have no idea) so I was able to get all sweaty and then clean up for work. I took a pic of myself today. Does anyone else feel that it is helpful to take lots and lots of pictures of yourself? I still think of myself as fat, and the pictures seem to help sometimes.

So I got some excerise in! Victory for me! Merry Christmas everyone!!

The Picture Tells it All........

A plate of homemade Christmas goodies given to me by my boss......it was a lot fuller this morning....but back to the challenge!!! Failure is not an option...

Fitness through the Holidays

I have been very dedicated to going to the gym three days a week for the past 5 months. It helps that my trainers are awesome and that their program is unique. I'm sure there are other programs like this, kind of like group circuit training. I go in the mornings around 5:30 am with a group of likewise dedicated ladies. I think we really keep each other motivated and we care about one another. So sometimes I'm lying in bed and I think, 'I don't want to get up, it's so cold. But if I don't get up, Linda will wonder where I was, and I wonder if Sandy's son feels better? Oh fine, I'll just get up and go see them!" Then I'm up and out the door!

I know I"ve gained muscle because there have been weeks where I didn't lose very much weight, but my clothes became way too big. Both of my trainers, Bob and Matt, say that during the holidays most people forgo going to the gym. This is the EXACT time that people need to make sure that they burn those extra calories!! So Bob and Matt are taking 2 weeks off due to lack of participation, but they are going to post the workouts at the gym and we are free to come in and do them ourselves. I'm making the commitment to do this.

I am also making the commitment to a 6 week challenge that I read about through spunkisuzi.

That challenge happens to be the exact amount of time it will take me to get to my goal weight on the fast. I WILL be 133 lbs by January 31st. This will equal an unbelieveable 90 lb loss!

I purchased a new camera!

I'm very excited about it! I bought it from my friend Matt and I am very very impressed with it so far.

It is super tiny and slim, and I can take it with me wherever I go! This is Matt and I during/after the exchange!
We were at a Sweet Tomatoes and we got the drink attendant to take our picture. She was a cute sweet older lady who seemed kind of apologetic about her picture taking skills. I think it turned out fine! It was my first time at a buffet in about a year and I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself. I didn't gorge myself until I wanted to die, like I thought I might!

However, I did stop to do some Christmas shopping dangerously close to an awesome bakery downtown. Tammie Coe's! This lady has made fondant icing (european icing) a favorite in Phoenix.

I ended up thinking about her red velvet/buttercream frosting cupcakes, and had to stop in. I do a really weird thing...whenever I get a pastry, I HAVE to have a cup of black coffee with it, which I for some reason sweeten with Splenda. Why don't I just use sugar?! It's like a diet coke with a large fry and a hamburger. Makes no sense.....Here is my contraband:
I must have got a little excited, b/c as you can see I did spill my americano a little. The espresso was great! Illy brand is my favorite, much better than that shit they serve at Starbucks....ahem...yes I still work at the bux on the weekends.......But our cupcakes are nothin' like the ones at Tammy Coe's! Deelish!

So my willpower is low to say the least and I'm lacking motivation in the weight loss department. So I posed for some pics to get my mind back to where it needs to be for me to succeed. I'm a little bloated from lunch. But this awful, dangerous, and unhealthy abdominal fat is exactly what I need to lose. The top picture was taken about 2 months ago when I was starting to feel skinny. The bottom pic was taken today. Honestly, I don't see much of a difference. hmm. I also purchased the latest O magazine, hoping to find some answers. It is the one where Oprah says she fell off the wagon and 2009 is going to be the year we should all put ourselves first. She's annoying, but she might be right!

Everyday Struggles

I've been thinking a lot about my own personal struggles. (obviously) I think it is interesting how one person can struggle so much with something that seems arbitrary to another. I was supposed to restart my diet today, see yesterday's post, yet I started off the day with a brownie and a cup of coffee. Not the healthiest choice.

The other day, I wandered onto an acquaintence's blog. I may post a link here later, but due to the nature of the blog, I'm not sure if she would like that. She is an anorexic and her struggles are interesting to me because they seem like the negative image of my own struggles. Kind of like a similar opposite or something. For instance, she too has a goal weight, but her struggle is in gaining the weight to meet that goal. As she gets closer to the weight she needs to be, the more scared she becomes and the less and less she wants to eat.

The lowest weight I have reached on this diet is 144 lbs. At this weight I had a small nervous breakdown and a binge. It started out as a normal day.

I was at the gym in the locker room getting ready for work, talking to all my gym buddies. I pulled my pants on and realized they were too big, but I thought maybe they would work. My gym buddy said "Girl, those pants are too big! You better get to Wal-mart and get some pants for the office!" So off I went to Wallyworld, it was the only thing open at 7 am.

I grabbed a handful of pants to try on, and realized size 12's were all too big, and the 10's and the 8's......the fitting room attendant brought me a 6. (I know now that Wal-mart sizes are off, and that size 6 is probably more like an 8, but at the time I didn't know that) I wanted to cry. The attendant probably thought I was nuts. I ended up buying a skirt and the pair of pants in a 6. And 3 candy bars and a coke, which I ate in my car.

I then proceeded to stop at Starbucks and get a cup of coffee and two pastries. Then, I wanted more, but I didn't want the baristas to think I was a pig, so I went to ANOTHER Starbucks and got a cup of coffee and two pastries. It didn't end. There is a Starbucks on the first floor of the building I work in and I stopped there and got two pumpkin cookies. You know the ones I'm talking about, with chocolate. So I probably consumed about 2000 calories in the course of an hour.

Here was my thought process: "Oh my god! I'm shrinking into nothing! What am I doing to myself?! I'm losing myself!" I even called my mom in the line at Wal-mart and told her that I was a size six. Her reaction was "Oh my god, you need to stop dieting." We both freaked out. Having always been a plump and squishy girl, it was terrifying. I know this does not make sense to most people, but it was/is how I feel.

So, like my acquaintence, as I get closer to my goal weight, I become uncomfortable and display behaviors converse to my original intents. I felt so bad about the binge that day, that I immediately made an appointment with a therapist. Over the course of the next month I gained 20 lbs back. I've lost ten of those lbs, and am trying to at least get back to 144 and not be scared.

I'd like to figure out why I get scared. I think partly it is because being fat is an outward sign of imperfections. Like it is a way to tell people when I meet them "hey, I'm not perfect, so don't expect me to live up to your expectations....I can't help it if I disappoint you..."

The therapist also taught me a lot about binge eating in general, which I will share with you at another time.

SLOOOOW day at work

I'm NOT complaining. Sometimes gov't work is slow, then it zips up to lightspeed in no time. So quiet is good right now.

I have two lists for you today. The first is a list of things you can do to curb overeating during the holidays. The second is the list of schools/programs that I'm applying to.

Okay, my weightloss doctor gave me this list:

-Eat a little something before you go to the party.
This reminds me of a scene from "Gone with the Wind" where the genteel ladies eat before they go to the picnic, so they don't look like pigs. I am not genteel. :/ However, eating some soup or munching on some crunchy veggies is a good idea so that you can't stuff any more food in your tummy. Like cookies.......

-Limit alcohol.
This sucks. I love booze. But it does have tons of calories, and it really isn't very good for women to drink at ALL from a health perspective. Even all those studies about red wine and dark beer say that it is even healthier not to drink at all. Maybe it is just me, but I find that I get pretty drunk off of things with bubbles, like champagne or beer. Then have soda water (NOT tonic, tonic is full of calories) with lime in it between drinks.

-Eat plenty of (plain) veggies.
I know the ranch dip is tempting, but veggies taste good all on their own! Seriously! Make sure that for each plate of food you get, veggies make up half.

-Have a fun wager to lose some weight.
I read about this in the paper yesterday. People lose more weight if they have the chance to win some money. During the holiday season have a friendly wager to lose 5% body weight with a friend. That way, even if you don't win and have to cough up 20 bucks, you probably won't have gained any weight. (11 lbs is the average holiday weight gain people!)

-Sign up for a 5K.
January has tons of 5 and 10K events all over the country. I'm training for a Petsmart Petwalk myself. Even if you don't LOSE weight, the extra excercise may combat the extra calories we are all consuming at "the most wonderful time of the year".


Okay, and here is my school list, I could use good thoughts and/or prayers if you are so inclined. (I know I'm not, but good vibes are good vibes!)

(the following are for Anthropology, PhD programs)
Washington State University
Texas A&M
UC - Santa Cruz
Brown Univ.
University of Arizona
the Catholic University of America
University of Colorado- Boulder
and
Sarah Lawrence (Women's History, MA)

How did she do it?

That is the million dollar question I know. Well, I'll give the general overview.

I was 226 lbs and I no longer was having my period. At first I thought I might be preggers, but then the doctor said, nope, you are just waaay too fat. So at first I was diagnosed as possibly having a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is an endocrine disorder so I was referred to an endocrinologist.

He looked me right in the eye and said "You don't have PCOS. You are 75 lbs overweight. If you lose the weight, you will be fine and you'll start menstruating again. I don't care how you do it, but you have to lose weight. You're a pretty girl, don't you think you'd be happier if you weighed less?"

I ignored his last comment, and freaked out about how I was going to lose the weight. 75 lbs! When I had never attempted serious diet in my life?! I really do like myself, and how I look and I always had men in my life, so if I ever gained weight...I just bought a bigger size and didn't worry too much about it. I also had a very bad drinking problem which led to binge eating, but I'll discuss that at a later time.

So I was at a gynecologist appointment whining to her about how I had no idea how to lose the weight. She had a suggestion of a doctor she had heard about, but never met, who ran a weight loss program. She gave me the name of it and I set off in search....

Basically, the ,expensive, program is a "Protein Sparing Modified Fast". In its simplest form, it is eating the lowest amount of calories in the form of protein that a person can consume without starving. It puts the body into ketosis, like Atkins, and does not take it out. The longest you can do a diet like this is four months then you have to refeed or your organs can shut down. I lost 50 lbs in the first 4 months. I do take supplements so that I don't have electrolyte issues like people who have anorexia and I also get my blood tested every two weeks. I have about 25 more lbs to lose to be at my goal weight. (around 130). Since it is Christmas time, and I work in an office, this is really very very hard. Right now, I"m eating cookies someone dropped off for us. Cookies and anything with sugar is totally off limits on this diet. It is easier to say what I can eat, than list off what I can't. I can eat lean meat and certain vegetables. I measure everything out. No more than 9 oz of meat a day. No tofu, just meat. This is definitely not for vegetarians.

But today...cookie day! I'll restart the diet tomorrow. I didn't cheat once in the first four months, but now it is so much harder. Because I'm a size 10 and in the 150's, so I really like how I look! And I think sometimes,"why am I still dieting?". But I need to have a healthy BMI and I want some cushion room to gain some weight back after the fast. I will NEVER be fat again. For my health, I never want to be over 150 again for the rest of my life.

Wow. I suck at this...:)

So much has happened in the past year. I am settled in an amazing position at the city, I have actually turned in grad school applications, and I've lost 60 lbs. I blog constantly on my myspace page so you should all check that out if you are bored. But I really am going to start blogging on here more as I attempt to lose the last of my poundage. I'm inspired by all the wonderful WW blogs that I read on a daily basis. Even though I didn't use WW to lose my weight, I'm thinking of joining to do my maintenance. I'm also going to start posting recipes that I love and posting pictures of my life, as well as venting about just how hard it really is to lose the last 20 (30). Above, is a before picture of me in May or so of 2007, and at the bottom of this post, is an after picture taken a few months ago in 2008. I'm really going to strive to make this blog honest and hopefully inspirational. Losing weight isn't easy, and there are many many other factors that go into eating/weight gain/weight loss/and emotions. Being fat masked some of the issues I had with food/emotions, and as the fat came off, sometimes I felt like an open wound. But I hope to work through these issues and maybe I'll even help others along the way. -Penny Dreadful