I think I must be nervous

But what I'm nervous about isn't clear. I've been in a horrible funk for the past week and a few days. It started once I got back to Pullman and learned that I wouldn't be receiving funding for the summer. This means that I don't get to teach my own Anthropology class during the summer session. It would have been my first experience teaching a course on my own and developing my own lectures. So, alas, I am leaving grad school without ever having taught a class. This is going to bite me in the ass someday when I try to get a job teaching. And I can't complain, because it is my choice to leave. I could easily stay another year and put off research and teach for two full semesters. But...I hate it here,(other than my friends) and I want to be with my boyfriend (which sounds so weird to say at 31...manfriend?).

So I have to leave. I think I'm partially  nervous about leaving and not finishing my work. I may not be a good researcher. Am I smart or clever enough to be a professor? Who wants to have a half finished PhD program hanging over their heads?!

Second worry...am I throwing my education away for a man? How very unfeminist. Or am I doing it for a baby? How very selfish and presumptuous. Or am I running away from completing something that I'm afraid was a bad decision in the first place? How utterly terrifying.

If only I had followed my dream of being a rockstar/actress. (but I was too afraid of failure...and being laughed at.)

Third worry...relationships are HARD. Especially when someone (me) is prone to destructive behavior and has never been in a serious relationship longer than 7 months (except for this one). What if I get really fat again to push him away? What if I get sick of having someone around all the time and move out? What if he decides I'm not pretty/smart/interesting enough to be with? My thoughts are "Relationships suck. Feelings are dumb." This actually translates into "Please don't hurt my feelings. Please accept me. Please be pleased with me. Let me love you and make you happy."

Yes. These things may be causing the funk.