I haven't written in a while. I guess I have been scared. I'm not sure why, since no one I actually know in life reads this blog. I suppose I was scared of myself. I haven't been going to WW meetings. I recently cancelled my membership, but kept the online account. It isn't that the program doesn't work, it is just that I'm not working it.
On March 10, the day before I flew to California to spend a week with a guy I'm dating, I was pulled over on a suspected DUI. This is something that I have deserved for at least 8 years. Although I'm not glad it happened, I am not at all surprised. The state of Washington offers a deferred sentence for those who are diagnosed as mentally ill or chemically dependent. After five years of intense treatment and sobriety, a DUI case can be dismissed. I fortunantly (or unfortunantly) have been found to qualify for this program.
As I have stated before, my relationship with alcohol is something that I have trouble controlling. In the last 10 years (I'm 28) the longest I have been totally sober has been 4 months. Luckily, I do not abuse or use any other types of drugs. My relationship with my weight, food, and alcohol are all related. This is something I have recognized for several years. I am not afraid to be sober, but I am afraid to fail. It is like I felt prior to losing 70 lbs. I was not afraid to diet, but I was afraid to fail.
Should I not complete the intensive 2 year treatment and the subsequent 3 years of sobriety, I will automatically recieve a DUI. The sobriety will hopefully begin for me on June 1st, although my treatment will begin at the end of July. I am afraid of a few things. Failing, losing friends, being depressed, being a basketcase, crying, hurting my parents, becoming boring, not drinking champagne at my wedding or 30th birthday. Luckily my fella has said that if I stop drinking it will not affect our relationship. He is not a regular drinker, thankfully.
I don't know how to tell my parents. I have not told them about my DUI. I am tired of disappointing them.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Motivation is good!
I've been doing WW meetings for about 6 weeks now, and I've lost 14 lbs. :)! Something about having to weigh in to someone on a weekly basis really keeps me focused. Mostly, the meeting topics aren't that helpful to me. But, as I think I've said before, WW is my AA. I drink too much and I have the propensity to make poor food choices when I've been drinking.
I've really been focusing on moderation. I have successfully gone out with friends and had only ONE beer. I can't believe I can do this now. I have had a rough couple of days and TOM usually makes me want to eat a ton, but overall I've been doing well.
I'm going to continue going at least until I am thirty (end of October). My goal is to be 142 lbs. Totally doable and not a crazy number. I also met a man. ;) I'll be visiting him for Spring Break, as he lives waaay too far away. But he seems great, and he saw me when I was larger and liked me anyway, so he must be a good guy right?
The half marathon is this Saturday! I hope I don't die.....
I've really been focusing on moderation. I have successfully gone out with friends and had only ONE beer. I can't believe I can do this now. I have had a rough couple of days and TOM usually makes me want to eat a ton, but overall I've been doing well.
I'm going to continue going at least until I am thirty (end of October). My goal is to be 142 lbs. Totally doable and not a crazy number. I also met a man. ;) I'll be visiting him for Spring Break, as he lives waaay too far away. But he seems great, and he saw me when I was larger and liked me anyway, so he must be a good guy right?
The half marathon is this Saturday! I hope I don't die.....
Monday, January 25, 2010
I got a compliment!
So today my friend told me that she felt I was acting more responsible and "more my age" now that I've been doing WW. lol. This makes me feel great!!!! Ever since I broke up with this guy (aka 'got dumped' lol) last November I have been making self-destructive decisions relating to food and alcohol. I'm slowly slowly starting to turn this around. It felt really good to hear my friend say that I am acting like an adult. lol.
I nearly ate all my weeklies in one day! It wasn't good, but I have been making sure that I have been running 4 miles a day to make up for it. I've started training for a half marathon and I'm really excited about it. So although I've used up all my weeklies and nearly all my activity points, I really am quite proud of myself! At least I am starting to take accountablity for my actions. I'm hoping that I have at least a small weight loss this Wednesday. I think I might have lost a pound. Oh yeah, in my first week I lost 5 lbs! I think it was all water weight, but it still made me feel awesome. I feel very much in control, which is a good feeling. :)
I nearly ate all my weeklies in one day! It wasn't good, but I have been making sure that I have been running 4 miles a day to make up for it. I've started training for a half marathon and I'm really excited about it. So although I've used up all my weeklies and nearly all my activity points, I really am quite proud of myself! At least I am starting to take accountablity for my actions. I'm hoping that I have at least a small weight loss this Wednesday. I think I might have lost a pound. Oh yeah, in my first week I lost 5 lbs! I think it was all water weight, but it still made me feel awesome. I feel very much in control, which is a good feeling. :)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
well it has come to this....
I can't stop drinking with friends. It is a problem. I started going to WW meetings last Wednesday night, and since then, I have not been able to eat less than 30 points a day. I've used all my weekly allowance and my activity points. I am not doing very well.
On the other hand, I have been really good about tracking! I've decided that if I'm going to drink with my friends, I can ONLY do it once a week. On top of that, I can no longer go to bars. Also, I can only have MGD 64, no matter how much I get made fun of for it. If I want to drink, then those are the rules.
I have a few days before my next weigh in, and I think if I can stick to the plan perhaps I will show a one pound loss. This would be excellent! I am also going to try and get in some more exercise this week, three days instead of two.
On the other hand, I have been really good about tracking! I've decided that if I'm going to drink with my friends, I can ONLY do it once a week. On top of that, I can no longer go to bars. Also, I can only have MGD 64, no matter how much I get made fun of for it. If I want to drink, then those are the rules.
I have a few days before my next weigh in, and I think if I can stick to the plan perhaps I will show a one pound loss. This would be excellent! I am also going to try and get in some more exercise this week, three days instead of two.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
anger and how to deal with it.
The title of this post sounds like I might be about to share some wisdom. Alas, I have no wisdom to provide. All I have is anger in the pit of my stomach. It is really too bad that you cannot control other people. It is even worse when you cannot communicate with someone. Some people are hard nuts to crack.
Do you ever experience a time when you say something to someone, and they completely blow it out of proportion? They feel attacked so they strike back at you. And they go for the jugular. It is so frustrating, especially for someone who does NOT LIKE FIGHTING.....grrrrrrrrrr. Mostly because it makes me feel crazy, and I second guess myself and my emotions. I am not playing the victim (although that is apparently what I do, as this person told me that....) ,I am just so frustrated. Closure feels good, but this person will not allow it. So I've had to block this person from my life (and my facebook and my email). Which is sad and unfortunant. I wanted to reach out a hand of friendship, perhaps too soon, and I had to run away with a bitten hand. This person does not want to be friendly.
things like this make me want to drink. But I have not. And I will not. Although I have gone over my points for the day, by 2. It is finals week and I'm totally stressed out, trying to complete papers, and my mind keeps going back to the argument. Which was unfortunantly over email, so I can look at it for all eternity. I am not a victim, I think I was treated disrespectfully, but I am not a victim. I allowed the treatment to occur. And I am allowing this treatment to make me feel bad, which is what this person wants. I just had to post something. I suppose this is a way to deal with anger. All I know is that if he read this, he would just say I was complaining and trying to get sympathy. None needed here. He did me a big favor.
Do you ever experience a time when you say something to someone, and they completely blow it out of proportion? They feel attacked so they strike back at you. And they go for the jugular. It is so frustrating, especially for someone who does NOT LIKE FIGHTING.....grrrrrrrrrr. Mostly because it makes me feel crazy, and I second guess myself and my emotions. I am not playing the victim (although that is apparently what I do, as this person told me that....) ,I am just so frustrated. Closure feels good, but this person will not allow it. So I've had to block this person from my life (and my facebook and my email). Which is sad and unfortunant. I wanted to reach out a hand of friendship, perhaps too soon, and I had to run away with a bitten hand. This person does not want to be friendly.
things like this make me want to drink. But I have not. And I will not. Although I have gone over my points for the day, by 2. It is finals week and I'm totally stressed out, trying to complete papers, and my mind keeps going back to the argument. Which was unfortunantly over email, so I can look at it for all eternity. I am not a victim, I think I was treated disrespectfully, but I am not a victim. I allowed the treatment to occur. And I am allowing this treatment to make me feel bad, which is what this person wants. I just had to post something. I suppose this is a way to deal with anger. All I know is that if he read this, he would just say I was complaining and trying to get sympathy. None needed here. He did me a big favor.
Monday, December 7, 2009
damn, my last post was so upbeat....
Since then, I've been dumped. I started abusing myself with booze and food. Lots of it. Now I'm at 168 lbs. and I feel horrible. I stopped tracking my food and just started eating whatever sounded good. I also noticed I was eating when I wasn't hungry. Instead of stopping, I just kept stuffing my face with a Rueben sandwich and french fries.
Nothing makes you feel more like a piece of crap than someone telling you they can't/don't love you. Except maybe bingeing on alcohol. That does feel pretty terrible.
So I'm slowly building up my self-worth again. I went to the gym for an hour today, that felt really good. I have been tracking and am going to try and hit my vegetable quota for the day. I'm almost there.
My pants are tight. This is no bueno. Especially b/c I cannot afford new clothes. Now time for some positive self-talk: "Chin-up, sweetheart. It is gonna be alright."
Nothing makes you feel more like a piece of crap than someone telling you they can't/don't love you. Except maybe bingeing on alcohol. That does feel pretty terrible.
So I'm slowly building up my self-worth again. I went to the gym for an hour today, that felt really good. I have been tracking and am going to try and hit my vegetable quota for the day. I'm almost there.
My pants are tight. This is no bueno. Especially b/c I cannot afford new clothes. Now time for some positive self-talk: "Chin-up, sweetheart. It is gonna be alright."
Friday, November 6, 2009
and so it goes. it goes well....
I'm 156.5 lbs today.
Not quite the goal weight I've been trying for. In the past year I've bounce between 150 and 163ish. Up and down, down and up. I'm not totally down on myself though. I've had tons of changes in my life, including going back to school, leaving my family, and moving across the country. So I guess I should be proud that I haven't let stress cause me to gain tons of weight. My habits have definitely changed since I've begun this whole weight loss process. I don't abuse food or alcohol on a regular basis. Sometimes I binge on one or both of those items though. But I don't beat myself up about it. I walk, whenever I can. I like walking, it gives me time to think. I haven't made time for the gym in about a month, but I will, especially when the snow makes it hard for me to walk.
I finally joined WW online after a personal corrospondence with the one and only Bitchcakes. She really knows how to encourage a girl! I think everyone should stop in on her blog at least once a week for some inspiration. I've lost 5.5 lbs in the last two weeks while following the program. But...I did drink waaaay too much for a period of three days around my birthday and halloween. It threw me into a downward spiral of depression that took a few days to get out of. Chemicals do not do good things to my brain. I'm taking it slow...and with the help of a wonderful man I am going to work through all of that bad stuff.
I think there needs to be special attention on people who are trying to lose weight that really like to drink. hmmmm.....my boyfriend would probably say "They do...it's called AA...." lol.
School is terribly stressful. Mostly, I just don't want to make an ass out of myself. But my friends in my program are an endless supply of encouragement, and hopefully I am to them as well.
Okay, I need to get to writing...I have 7 more papers and one large project that must be completed by the end of the semester (7 weeks....eeeekk!) This paper is about a chapter in The Early Medittereanian Village. um, yeah, it is about as interesting as you think it might be.....haha. Actually, I have lots of respect for archaeology. I'm just glad I'm not an archaeologist. I prefer the living to the dead.
Good luck with all of your goals for the week!
Not quite the goal weight I've been trying for. In the past year I've bounce between 150 and 163ish. Up and down, down and up. I'm not totally down on myself though. I've had tons of changes in my life, including going back to school, leaving my family, and moving across the country. So I guess I should be proud that I haven't let stress cause me to gain tons of weight. My habits have definitely changed since I've begun this whole weight loss process. I don't abuse food or alcohol on a regular basis. Sometimes I binge on one or both of those items though. But I don't beat myself up about it. I walk, whenever I can. I like walking, it gives me time to think. I haven't made time for the gym in about a month, but I will, especially when the snow makes it hard for me to walk.
I finally joined WW online after a personal corrospondence with the one and only Bitchcakes. She really knows how to encourage a girl! I think everyone should stop in on her blog at least once a week for some inspiration. I've lost 5.5 lbs in the last two weeks while following the program. But...I did drink waaaay too much for a period of three days around my birthday and halloween. It threw me into a downward spiral of depression that took a few days to get out of. Chemicals do not do good things to my brain. I'm taking it slow...and with the help of a wonderful man I am going to work through all of that bad stuff.
I think there needs to be special attention on people who are trying to lose weight that really like to drink. hmmmm.....my boyfriend would probably say "They do...it's called AA...." lol.
School is terribly stressful. Mostly, I just don't want to make an ass out of myself. But my friends in my program are an endless supply of encouragement, and hopefully I am to them as well.
Okay, I need to get to writing...I have 7 more papers and one large project that must be completed by the end of the semester (7 weeks....eeeekk!) This paper is about a chapter in The Early Medittereanian Village. um, yeah, it is about as interesting as you think it might be.....haha. Actually, I have lots of respect for archaeology. I'm just glad I'm not an archaeologist. I prefer the living to the dead.
Good luck with all of your goals for the week!
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