anger and how to deal with it.

The title of this post sounds like I might be about to share some wisdom. Alas, I have no wisdom to provide. All I have is anger in the pit of my stomach. It is really too bad that you cannot control other people. It is even worse when you cannot communicate with someone. Some people are hard nuts to crack.

Do you ever experience a time when you say something to someone, and they completely blow it out of proportion? They feel attacked so they strike back at you. And they go for the jugular. It is so frustrating, especially for someone who does NOT LIKE FIGHTING.....grrrrrrrrrr. Mostly because it makes me feel crazy, and I second guess myself and my emotions. I am not playing the victim (although that is apparently what I do, as this person told me that....) ,I am just so frustrated. Closure feels good, but this person will not allow it. So I've had to block this person from my life (and my facebook and my email). Which is sad and unfortunant. I wanted to reach out a hand of friendship, perhaps too soon, and I had to run away with a bitten hand. This person does not want to be friendly.

things like this make me want to drink. But I have not. And I will not. Although I have gone over my points for the day, by 2. It is finals week and I'm totally stressed out, trying to complete papers, and my mind keeps going back to the argument. Which was unfortunantly over email, so I can look at it for all eternity. I am not a victim, I think I was treated disrespectfully, but I am not a victim. I allowed the treatment to occur. And I am allowing this treatment to make me feel bad, which is what this person wants. I just had to post something. I suppose this is a way to deal with anger. All I know is that if he read this, he would just say I was complaining and trying to get sympathy. None needed here. He did me a big favor.

damn, my last post was so upbeat....

Since then, I've been dumped. I started abusing myself with booze and food. Lots of it. Now I'm at 168 lbs. and I feel horrible. I stopped tracking my food and just started eating whatever sounded good. I also noticed I was eating when I wasn't hungry. Instead of stopping, I just kept stuffing my face with a Rueben sandwich and french fries.

Nothing makes you feel more like a piece of crap than someone telling you they can't/don't love you. Except maybe bingeing on alcohol. That does feel pretty terrible.

So I'm slowly building up my self-worth again. I went to the gym for an hour today, that felt really good. I have been tracking and am going to try and hit my vegetable quota for the day. I'm almost there.

My pants are tight. This is no bueno. Especially b/c I cannot afford new clothes. Now time for some positive self-talk: "Chin-up, sweetheart. It is gonna be alright."

and so it goes. it goes well....

I'm 156.5 lbs today.

Not quite the goal weight I've been trying for. In the past year I've bounce between 150 and 163ish. Up and down, down and up. I'm not totally down on myself though. I've had tons of changes in my life, including going back to school, leaving my family, and moving across the country. So I guess I should be proud that I haven't let stress cause me to gain tons of weight. My habits have definitely changed since I've begun this whole weight loss process. I don't abuse food or alcohol on a regular basis. Sometimes I binge on one or both of those items though. But I don't beat myself up about it. I walk, whenever I can. I like walking, it gives me time to think. I haven't made time for the gym in about a month, but I will, especially when the snow makes it hard for me to walk.

I finally joined WW online after a personal corrospondence with the one and only Bitchcakes. She really knows how to encourage a girl! I think everyone should stop in on her blog at least once a week for some inspiration. I've lost 5.5 lbs in the last two weeks while following the program. But...I did drink waaaay too much for a period of three days around my birthday and halloween. It threw me into a downward spiral of depression that took a few days to get out of. Chemicals do not do good things to my brain. I'm taking it slow...and with the help of a wonderful man I am going to work through all of that bad stuff.

I think there needs to be special attention on people who are trying to lose weight that really like to drink. hmmmm.....my boyfriend would probably say "They do...it's called AA...." lol.

School is terribly stressful. Mostly, I just don't want to make an ass out of myself. But my friends in my program are an endless supply of encouragement, and hopefully I am to them as well.

Okay, I need to get to writing...I have 7 more papers and one large project that must be completed by the end of the semester (7 weeks....eeeekk!) This paper is about a chapter in The Early Medittereanian Village. um, yeah, it is about as interesting as you think it might be.....haha. Actually, I have lots of respect for archaeology. I'm just glad I'm not an archaeologist. I prefer the living to the dead.

Good luck with all of your goals for the week!

One month in country....

My fitness has improved vastly. I walk uphill both ways to school at least 3 days a week. I always thought this was a joke, but I really do walk uphill BOTH ways. Damn Pullman has a lot of hills. Everything is either "oh, just on top of that hill" or "oh, just downhill from there". I've been really very good about packing my meals everyday, not to mention eating breakfast and dinner at home. I have had a couple of nights where I drank a lot of alcohol, but nothing too severe that I haven't been able to pull myself out of. I tend to want to drink and drink and drink.....I also have been walking over to the student rec center (3 miles from my house and back) twice a week for some workout sessions. Sometimes I just do some exercises in my apartment, if I don't feel like leaving early in the morning.

Right now I'm 157.7 lbs. Before the weekend I was 155.5. I did drink a LOT on Saturday and I had a bbq at noon and a pot luck in the evening. So when I guesstimate how much I ate, it is probably well over 3300 calories. But Sunday I went right back to 1200. Tracking what I eat, and keeping to simple foods has really helped me. My clothes are starting to get looser which is a really good feeling.

I did buy some 'crappy' foods this last time I went to the grocery store. Baked Lays, and Lean Pockets. Not too bad calories wise, but not good as far as they are processed 'fake' foods. They just looked so yummy! and I haven't had pizza in about a month. So I thought the Lean Pockets would be a good distraction.

Well, the plan is no more drinking for the rest of the month. If I could make it until the end of October, that would be fantastic! I really lose when I'm not drinking, and I'll be 29 on October 28th!!! It would be great to buy a new pair of skinny jeans!

WA is chilly!

I'm in trouble come winter, aren't I? It is 62 degrees and overcast. I'm sitting at the Library in "downtown" Pullman b/c the wi-fi is free and I am a poor college student again. But my studio is adorable and coming together nicely. I have been eating whatever I want and now my loose jeans are getting snug? I feel bad about this but you haven't seen the hills in this town! I'm not too worried about not being able to lose weight. Once my parents leave me (tomorrow...) I won't have any money to eat out. They are taking me grocery shopping as well and I'm only getting healthy and good-for-me foods. I don't have a parking pass for school (no money) so I have to walk there everyday. Up and down hills. In the snow and rain. haha. But I'm excited. Gonna post some pictures tomorrow as well as get back on the healthy eating train. Life is so good right now.

Weigh-in and update about parties

I'm still 155 today. This is okay. I've been eating too much over the last 3 days and I know it. Nothing crazy, just too much to continue to lose any weight. Today will be better. :)

The parties last weekend:
I had a BLAST and I didn't drink at all. I got really tired though. The drunk me is able to stay up all night and keep partying. The sober me wants to curl up around 9:30. lol. I did learn that I don't like being the designated driver. I want to go home at a decent hour and drunk people, as I said, like to stay up all night and not go home.

I had a brazilian wax yesterday. WHOA! One word description: invasive. :) They really get down to business with the wax. But it was an interesting experience, felt like ripping a band-aid off. Actually, lots of things in life feel like that I think. Sting a lot at first, then kind of irritate, then go back to normal.

I'm wrapping up my life here in AZ. I'm trying to fit in time to see all the people I've loved and who have called me friend in the past several years. It is sad, but I'm excited to start my new life. I will be meeting so many new people in the next month and I'm sure the beginning of school will be a whirlwind. It will be challenging to keep eating healthy food. But, as I have to keep reminding myself, this is my only life and I want it to be great. When I eat healthy food, get enough sleep, and exercise, I feel great. Oh, and I'm an adult, if I can't do it now, I'll never be able to do it.

OH happy weigh-in day!

I weighed in at 156 today!! Which means I'm down 4 lbs. Now I know I've been working out like a mad woman, but I have a feeling most of this weight loss is water related. But no matter! It makes me feel great to be in the 150's again.

I made some really tough decisions over the past week. My friend said that I called him when I was drunk and said really mean things to him. I told him that I was sorry, but that I really didn't remember calling him. See, sometimes I drink until I blackout. This, of course, is a serious issue. I talked to another friend and he said that in the past he felt that I had a serious drinking issue. I blame most of my horrific weight gain on binge drinking, which led to binge eating. My brother says, although I'm terrifically fun when drunk at a party, I lose all inhibitions, and that can be worrisome. So I'm recognizing that I have a problem with alcohol and I need to seek help or curb my habit in some way. A new friend of mine just told me that he worries about me.

The longest I have been sober is 4 months. It was last year when I was dieting. My life really felt good; I was in control of so much. Work was productive and I felt like I was excelling. I really didn't hang out with any of my friends though. Most of my friends drink heavily. We tend to travel in packs. I went sober to my friends' wedding. Normally, I would "pre-game" for a function like that. (ie, have two or three drinks before the wedding).

But this is a new life, and if I'm hurting the people that care about me then it is not worth it. I want to be able someday to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or go to a baseball game and have a couple of beers without it turning to an all night binge drinking session. It is unbecoming of a lady. If I truly wish to someday be a mother and a wife to someone, I cannot let a destructive habit come between me and that happiness. If I lost weight for my future children, then I can certainly maintain my sobriety for them.

I have three events this weekend with friends. I've already enlisted my best gay to be my date and encourage me to be sober. Wish me luck.