Feeling better...Dog sitter extraordinare!

I haven't slept at my own apartment for two weeks. Maybe one night...I have a really lucrative business dog/house sitting. It's really fun to live in someone else's home for a week. Especially people who have full kitchens. Every kind of kitchen implement you could ever want for.

They have a immersion blender. I will be making soup.

So I weighed myself on Sunday. I hadn't weighed for three weeks or so, because I thought my scale was broken, seriously. I couldn't get it to work. Well, my roommate told me that in fact, it does work and she had been using it. So I didn't have any excuse for not weighing myself. I was right. I had gained 10 pounds. So now I'm back to recording my calories (1200-1500 a day) and working out for at least 30 mins. I've already shed 5 lbs. I am aware that this is water weight, but it still makes me feel good. I'm hoping to at least lose the 10 I put on this semester before my boyfriend comes to fetch me. Then at least my clothes will fit better.

I think I must be nervous

But what I'm nervous about isn't clear. I've been in a horrible funk for the past week and a few days. It started once I got back to Pullman and learned that I wouldn't be receiving funding for the summer. This means that I don't get to teach my own Anthropology class during the summer session. It would have been my first experience teaching a course on my own and developing my own lectures. So, alas, I am leaving grad school without ever having taught a class. This is going to bite me in the ass someday when I try to get a job teaching. And I can't complain, because it is my choice to leave. I could easily stay another year and put off research and teach for two full semesters. But...I hate it here,(other than my friends) and I want to be with my boyfriend (which sounds so weird to say at 31...manfriend?).

So I have to leave. I think I'm partially  nervous about leaving and not finishing my work. I may not be a good researcher. Am I smart or clever enough to be a professor? Who wants to have a half finished PhD program hanging over their heads?!

Second worry...am I throwing my education away for a man? How very unfeminist. Or am I doing it for a baby? How very selfish and presumptuous. Or am I running away from completing something that I'm afraid was a bad decision in the first place? How utterly terrifying.

If only I had followed my dream of being a rockstar/actress. (but I was too afraid of failure...and being laughed at.)

Third worry...relationships are HARD. Especially when someone (me) is prone to destructive behavior and has never been in a serious relationship longer than 7 months (except for this one). What if I get really fat again to push him away? What if I get sick of having someone around all the time and move out? What if he decides I'm not pretty/smart/interesting enough to be with? My thoughts are "Relationships suck. Feelings are dumb." This actually translates into "Please don't hurt my feelings. Please accept me. Please be pleased with me. Let me love you and make you happy."

Yes. These things may be causing the funk.

Things are changing...

I'm moving to Los Angeles in 7 weeks! Not only am I starting a new chapter in my professional life, I'm also starting my life with my boyfriend. We have been long distance for two years and it is definitely time for us to be together. I'm currently looking for jobs that relate to my dissertation topic (Latino LGBTQ homeless youth). I've found a few agencies that are hiring client advocates, which is something I'm really looking forward to doing.

I've also decided that I'm tired of hating on myself. I'm tired of beating myself up for being fat/ugly/stupid, all the dumb things my inner dialogue consists of. Instead I'm going to love myself, recognize my strengths and realize that I have lots of love in my life. Not only do I have an amazing boyfriend, but I have wonderful friends who truly like to be around me. I have to stop beating myself up. So I'm changing the focus of this blog from weight loss to an anthropological field journal. Which may consist of weight loss talk from time to time. Really it will chronical my life as I continue to grow as a researcher and a scholar.

One week left!

Since I have been eating healthy (except for one or two occasions) for almost a month, I am having a familiar sensation. That sensation is one of being in control of my life. Things are so much clearer in my head, my tasks at hand are more salient to me. It is a good feeling. It is something I lose when I start to eat processed foods or any of a number of foods that seem to control me (ie refined sugar, alcohol, dairy products).

The other day a friend of mine posted on facebook that anyone is able to check just what marketing Google thinks defines you. Some of my female friends were listed as male, and either much younger or much older than they actually are. Mine was pretty spot on. Google thinks that I am 28-34, (check), female, (check), interested in fitness/nutrition, (check/check), and wedding planning....(sigh, check, I'm jumping the gun by about a year....). So what does that say about me? Not much. I fear that I'm not an interesting person. I feel as though I have no hobbies. My roommate said that diet and exercise are my hobbies. Which, I guess is okay. But I feel the need to expand my life, although I'm not sure what that means or how to do it.

I've lost weight and not felt hungry. This feels good. I tried the new vegan cheese "Diaya" the other day. It is melty, it is cheezy, but really it tastes like butter (at least the mozzerella style). So it didn't satisfy my cheese craving. Plus it is a highly processed food, so I gave the rest away.

11 more days!

So I've been eating healthy now, with only a couple of slips, for the past 19 days. I did have a few beers this week and .... french fries (gasp!) but now I'm back to the healthy eating that I'm trying to make a permanent habit of.

Today I tried tempeh. It was good and I definitely like the texture. For the taste, which isn't bad per se, I am going to experiment with grilling and marinating it. I think I'm going to make some crockpot chili tomorrow and I may crumble some up and throw it in to simmer in the juices for several hours. Overall, I like it!

It's Friday night, but I'm feeling a little under the weather. I think going out two nights this week and having beer was not a good thing to do. Since alcohol suppresses the immune system, I made myself vunerable to the nasty germs floating around the campus.  I'm going to cozy up in bed with some reading and a cup of tea. :)

Day 14, with a recap of 13

Yesterday I went to a 6 yr old's birthday party! It was really fun seeing a ton of little girls giggling and chasing each other. Not a shy one in the bunch. But it reminded me just how vicious little girls can be. Anyway, I did NOT eat cake or popcorn (it was at a movie theater). Both of those items were incredibly hard for me to give up. Instead I snuck in my own bag of 'healthier' home popped popcorn (popped on the stovetop with spray oil) and an apple for when the sweets got passed around. I was pretty proud of myself.

I'd really like to go to the gym today, but my car is snowed in to it's spot. My roommate is out borrowing a shovel so we can dig. We also need to go to the grocery store. I have a feeling that after I shovel I won't need to go to the gym anymore....

Days 11 and 12

Although I'm shooting for 30 days of blogging, I knew I was going to get behind. But that is okay. I have a LOT of stuff going on in my life right now and everything is pretty stressful. I am moving to LA in 6 months and I also have classes to take, classes to teach and MAJOR exams to study for. But I can do it! I know that I won't have much of a social life for the next 6 months or so, and that is okay. Really it is the way it has to be if I want to achieve all my goals.

A big part of achieving all my goals is staying sober. Alcohol affects my judgement with food and behavior. It also makes me sluggish and if I drink one night, I don't work for several days afterward. It most definitely affects my sleeping patterns negatively. So, my drinking days for the next 4 months are already planned out. (Feb 25, Mar 9, April 25, May 5)

Foodwise, I'm continuing to do well! I stay full, I base my meals around vegetables, spices, whole grains and healthy fats. I plan my meals out a few days in advance and I haven't had cravings for sugar (although I did have a bit this morning, agave syrup). After these 30 days, I'd like to make two new goals to try and reach. Perhaps it will be about water consumption, or trying one new recipe a week. Not sure yet, but I am excited to see what they will be!