Everyday Struggles

I've been thinking a lot about my own personal struggles. (obviously) I think it is interesting how one person can struggle so much with something that seems arbitrary to another. I was supposed to restart my diet today, see yesterday's post, yet I started off the day with a brownie and a cup of coffee. Not the healthiest choice.

The other day, I wandered onto an acquaintence's blog. I may post a link here later, but due to the nature of the blog, I'm not sure if she would like that. She is an anorexic and her struggles are interesting to me because they seem like the negative image of my own struggles. Kind of like a similar opposite or something. For instance, she too has a goal weight, but her struggle is in gaining the weight to meet that goal. As she gets closer to the weight she needs to be, the more scared she becomes and the less and less she wants to eat.

The lowest weight I have reached on this diet is 144 lbs. At this weight I had a small nervous breakdown and a binge. It started out as a normal day.

I was at the gym in the locker room getting ready for work, talking to all my gym buddies. I pulled my pants on and realized they were too big, but I thought maybe they would work. My gym buddy said "Girl, those pants are too big! You better get to Wal-mart and get some pants for the office!" So off I went to Wallyworld, it was the only thing open at 7 am.

I grabbed a handful of pants to try on, and realized size 12's were all too big, and the 10's and the 8's......the fitting room attendant brought me a 6. (I know now that Wal-mart sizes are off, and that size 6 is probably more like an 8, but at the time I didn't know that) I wanted to cry. The attendant probably thought I was nuts. I ended up buying a skirt and the pair of pants in a 6. And 3 candy bars and a coke, which I ate in my car.

I then proceeded to stop at Starbucks and get a cup of coffee and two pastries. Then, I wanted more, but I didn't want the baristas to think I was a pig, so I went to ANOTHER Starbucks and got a cup of coffee and two pastries. It didn't end. There is a Starbucks on the first floor of the building I work in and I stopped there and got two pumpkin cookies. You know the ones I'm talking about, with chocolate. So I probably consumed about 2000 calories in the course of an hour.

Here was my thought process: "Oh my god! I'm shrinking into nothing! What am I doing to myself?! I'm losing myself!" I even called my mom in the line at Wal-mart and told her that I was a size six. Her reaction was "Oh my god, you need to stop dieting." We both freaked out. Having always been a plump and squishy girl, it was terrifying. I know this does not make sense to most people, but it was/is how I feel.

So, like my acquaintence, as I get closer to my goal weight, I become uncomfortable and display behaviors converse to my original intents. I felt so bad about the binge that day, that I immediately made an appointment with a therapist. Over the course of the next month I gained 20 lbs back. I've lost ten of those lbs, and am trying to at least get back to 144 and not be scared.

I'd like to figure out why I get scared. I think partly it is because being fat is an outward sign of imperfections. Like it is a way to tell people when I meet them "hey, I'm not perfect, so don't expect me to live up to your expectations....I can't help it if I disappoint you..."

The therapist also taught me a lot about binge eating in general, which I will share with you at another time.