So although I try to be a nice girl 80% of the time, I do tend to be naughty 20%. I had an amazing date with a wonderful man on Friday. Everything you wish for in a man. Kind, funny, talkative, interesting, successful, handsome, a real gentleman. Then I had plans on Saturday that fell through, I ended up getting gussied up and hit the town alone. Bad idea. I don't weigh as much as I used to (yay!) so I cannot drink as much as I used to (boo!). But old bartenders who remembered me from my drinking days still continued to serve me as though I was 60 lbs heavier. And of course, if they pour, I drink. We settled into our old relationship quite quickly.
Driving drunk is never a good idea. Driving while hammered, is even worse. Drunk dialing the gentleman that you had a great date with 24 hours before, is worse than death. I had to apologize to him the next day. and to my car. which now has a nice dent in it. So he cancelled our lunch plans for yesterday, says he was in meetings all day, but of course I can't help but think it was really due to the fact that I'm a naughty girl, and what nice guy wants a naughty girl. (who probably should have gotten a DUI.) He says he still wants to see me. I guess we will see what happens. This is why I should not drink. Ever.
So I constantly throw roadblocks in my path to greatness. Why is that? I'm restarting my diet today. I haven't weighed myself in a week, b/c I don't want to be discouraged. My size 10 pants still fit, snug, so I haven't totally gone off the deep end. But I'd like to be in 8's by the end of February.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I"m not proud.
but I had a binge today. I could run down the list of everything I ate...but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I did it at all. Binges can consist of one cookie, or ten bags of potato chips. In the end, a binge is a binge. I wasn't feeling particularly bad, actually I am having a great day! I just wanted to eat. and it felt good. No one said dieting was easy.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Doctor's Appointment- 15 lbs gone!
Well my appointment went so very very well today! And I did something that I haven't done in a long time....I WENT TO THE GYM!!!! And I feel great about it. My trainer said he was gonna email me today if I hadn't shown up. I'm a little sore, and my heart felt like it was gonna pop out of my chest, but all in all I feel great.
More about the appointment....The dietician in the office said I was doing wonderfully on the diet and that I should expect to lose about 7 lbs in the next 2 weeks. Then she said that I only have 72 days until I hit 125. !!! Who wants to weigh 125?! I'd look ill!! What is the matter with these people? I do know that I used to think they were crazy when they told me I'd weigh less than 160, and now I'm 150 and I feel like I definitely have at least 10 more lbs to lose. But I don't want to weigh 125. Maybe I'll feel differently at 135......
I have a date on Friday. I am terrified. I really really really want to go, but there are issues. Always....issues. The event is to kick off the P.F. Chang's Rock and Roll Marathon and they will be providing free food and alcohol. Those are, possibly, my favorite four words in the English language: "free food and alcohol". And I know I will partake. Unless I don't go. But I really want to go. It is at a very expensive and fancy (by Arizona standards) resort, the Arizona Biltmore. And I don't always have a reason to go there, and the gift bags are great! ( I went last year, and they gave everyone a bottle of champagne! ) So I am going. But I will NOT, CANNOT let one night ruin my diet. I will return to the diet immediately the next morning. This is final.
Update:
I now have TWO dates this weekend. On Saturday night I'm going out with another guy to a Tapas and Tequila party at a resort....again...I desperately want to go...I will not beat myself up about it and instead be smart. I will watch my portions, and only have three glasses of wine. I can do it. Who wants to be smashed on a date anyway?! Just because I'm cheating, doesn't mean it has to turn into a binge.
More about the appointment....The dietician in the office said I was doing wonderfully on the diet and that I should expect to lose about 7 lbs in the next 2 weeks. Then she said that I only have 72 days until I hit 125. !!! Who wants to weigh 125?! I'd look ill!! What is the matter with these people? I do know that I used to think they were crazy when they told me I'd weigh less than 160, and now I'm 150 and I feel like I definitely have at least 10 more lbs to lose. But I don't want to weigh 125. Maybe I'll feel differently at 135......
I have a date on Friday. I am terrified. I really really really want to go, but there are issues. Always....issues. The event is to kick off the P.F. Chang's Rock and Roll Marathon and they will be providing free food and alcohol. Those are, possibly, my favorite four words in the English language: "free food and alcohol". And I know I will partake. Unless I don't go. But I really want to go. It is at a very expensive and fancy (by Arizona standards) resort, the Arizona Biltmore. And I don't always have a reason to go there, and the gift bags are great! ( I went last year, and they gave everyone a bottle of champagne! ) So I am going. But I will NOT, CANNOT let one night ruin my diet. I will return to the diet immediately the next morning. This is final.
Update:
I now have TWO dates this weekend. On Saturday night I'm going out with another guy to a Tapas and Tequila party at a resort....again...I desperately want to go...I will not beat myself up about it and instead be smart. I will watch my portions, and only have three glasses of wine. I can do it. Who wants to be smashed on a date anyway?! Just because I'm cheating, doesn't mean it has to turn into a binge.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Envy - the green devil
I've been thinking a lot about envy in the last few days. It was prompted by a surprise communication with an old high school acquaintence. He found me on a social networking site and I invited him to hang out with another old friend this weekend. I decided to take a look at my old yearbook and reminise a bit.
As I started looking at those pictures of smiling faces, and reading some of the things my BFF's wrote (don't ever change, call me whenever, we will ALWAYS be friends....etc.) I was suddenly feeling very very insecure again. Remembering those feelings of being totally unattractive, fat and unlovable. I see now that those feelings were baseless, but still that was how I felt at the time. And I did go to school with some *gorgeous* girls. I've spoken to a few friends about these feelings, and they say that everyone pretty much felt bad about themselves in high school. I just hope I don't revert to that shy, meek, high schooler at the reunion at the end of this year. And I although I didn't realize it at the time, I guess I was a little envious of the girls who had all the boys drooling over them...
I am still at 152 lbs and have been for 3 days. I'd like to see if I can shave off a lb or two by Monday (Dr's appt), but I'm still happy with a 13 lb loss. Now back to envy. Although it has slowed down quite a bit, I am told often by ladies at work how envious/jealous they are of me. "I just don't know how you do it. I can't stick to a diet longer than a day." "You are so thin. It is simply unbelievable. I wish I had what you had." I was uncomfortable with these statements at first and didn't know what to say. Now I just smile and say "Thank you. It is hard." I am no different from anyone else. At times I have felt so crazy on this journey and have cried myself to sleep, stuffed my face with thousands of calories in one sitting, considered making myself throw up, binged on alcohol/sex, and had mini-nervous breakdowns. I don't wish this upon anyone. "Do not be envious of me! I'm crazy and just barely holding on at any given second!" I want to scream. But of course I don't. I just smile and say, "Thank you." :) One day at a time, I guess....I just wish time would speed up.....
As I started looking at those pictures of smiling faces, and reading some of the things my BFF's wrote (don't ever change, call me whenever, we will ALWAYS be friends....etc.) I was suddenly feeling very very insecure again. Remembering those feelings of being totally unattractive, fat and unlovable. I see now that those feelings were baseless, but still that was how I felt at the time. And I did go to school with some *gorgeous* girls. I've spoken to a few friends about these feelings, and they say that everyone pretty much felt bad about themselves in high school. I just hope I don't revert to that shy, meek, high schooler at the reunion at the end of this year. And I although I didn't realize it at the time, I guess I was a little envious of the girls who had all the boys drooling over them...
I am still at 152 lbs and have been for 3 days. I'd like to see if I can shave off a lb or two by Monday (Dr's appt), but I'm still happy with a 13 lb loss. Now back to envy. Although it has slowed down quite a bit, I am told often by ladies at work how envious/jealous they are of me. "I just don't know how you do it. I can't stick to a diet longer than a day." "You are so thin. It is simply unbelievable. I wish I had what you had." I was uncomfortable with these statements at first and didn't know what to say. Now I just smile and say "Thank you. It is hard." I am no different from anyone else. At times I have felt so crazy on this journey and have cried myself to sleep, stuffed my face with thousands of calories in one sitting, considered making myself throw up, binged on alcohol/sex, and had mini-nervous breakdowns. I don't wish this upon anyone. "Do not be envious of me! I'm crazy and just barely holding on at any given second!" I want to scream. But of course I don't. I just smile and say, "Thank you." :) One day at a time, I guess....I just wish time would speed up.....
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Challenge Update - 13 lbs gone!
Yesterday was a challenging day. I had a late night meeting to go to, and I had to stop off at my weekend job (coffee shop) to pick up my tips. For a fleeting millisecond I thought about grabbing a cookie with my cup of joe, but decided against it, and marched right out to my car. It is hard b/c basically, if I wanted, I could have all the free/or discounted pastries I want from the store.
Then while driving to the meeting I was daydreaming about my favorite subject, my crazy love life. I am single but there are several men in my life who are always flying around, (friends, lovers, ex-lovers, wannabe lovers, etc.) So then I start getting annoyed/fidgety/anxious about these situations in my life, and I think about stopping somewhere and eating an entire layer cake. I don’t. But I think about it.
So I now weigh 13 lbs less than I did on Friday. The problem with this is that the last three times I was at this weight I started thinking “well, I can cheat a little. I deserve it! And look how easy it is for me to lose weight. I’ll just cheat and then make up for it before my doctor’s appointment. It’s only one cupcake.” But then I have the cupcake and I think, “Well, I’m out of ketosis now, I might as well live it up for the rest of the day, I’ll start the fast again tomorrow. I can be in ketosis again 3 days from now….” But that one day turns into a week, and before you know it , I’m not fasting, I’m not eating healthy, I’m just eating. And thus the cycle goes, for the last 6 months. Which is why I keep yo-yoing from 150 to 165, again, and again.
NOT THIS TIME!
This time I have my wits about me and the blogosphere for inspiration. I will not rest or be lenient until I have reached my goal of 132. (weird number I know…I’m weird…) Then, at 132. I will have cake, but I will also not fall back on the fact that I know how to lose weight. I will instead be vigilant about keeping it off!
Then while driving to the meeting I was daydreaming about my favorite subject, my crazy love life. I am single but there are several men in my life who are always flying around, (friends, lovers, ex-lovers, wannabe lovers, etc.) So then I start getting annoyed/fidgety/anxious about these situations in my life, and I think about stopping somewhere and eating an entire layer cake. I don’t. But I think about it.
So I now weigh 13 lbs less than I did on Friday. The problem with this is that the last three times I was at this weight I started thinking “well, I can cheat a little. I deserve it! And look how easy it is for me to lose weight. I’ll just cheat and then make up for it before my doctor’s appointment. It’s only one cupcake.” But then I have the cupcake and I think, “Well, I’m out of ketosis now, I might as well live it up for the rest of the day, I’ll start the fast again tomorrow. I can be in ketosis again 3 days from now….” But that one day turns into a week, and before you know it , I’m not fasting, I’m not eating healthy, I’m just eating. And thus the cycle goes, for the last 6 months. Which is why I keep yo-yoing from 150 to 165, again, and again.
NOT THIS TIME!
This time I have my wits about me and the blogosphere for inspiration. I will not rest or be lenient until I have reached my goal of 132. (weird number I know…I’m weird…) Then, at 132. I will have cake, but I will also not fall back on the fact that I know how to lose weight. I will instead be vigilant about keeping it off!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Morning 3 of the Fast (Challenge update- 8lbs lost!)
I've been a very good girl, and as of yet I haven't had any of my crazy cravings or thoughts about ruining my diet.
However, I am obsessed again with food planning for the future. I get like this, where I just watch the Food Network and think about food I'm going to eat someday. Yesterday in fact I did a weeks worth of menus that combined both Dr. Weil's Anti-inflammatory plan with Weight Watchers. Having never 'done' WW, I'm not sure if the daily point value is good for weight loss, but I think it is good for maintenance. (between 20-24 a day). So at least I have a plan that I can follow once I"m down to goal.
I told everyone in my life that I would only do the fast until the end of January, but now I'm thinking until the end of February. This of course, freaked my mom out. She knows how crazy the fast makes me. How do people decide a goal weight? If I went by what my doctor says, I'd be 125 lbs. That seems too small to me. I like how I look around 145, but I know that would be on the heavier side of a healthy weight range. So that's why I picked 130...but 135 sounds good too....AAARRRGHH!!!!
Well, my weight today is 157, which is a loss of 8 lbs from Thursday. (It's all water I'm sure, but after this, any loss will be fat.)
After a great suggestion from a co-worker, I'm going to treat myself after every 10 lbs loss.
1st 10 lbs= Hair trim/color
2nd 10 lbs= Pedicure
3rd 10 lbs= Fantastically gorgeous peacoat! (They should be on sale in Phoenix by the end of Feb.)
*FiTCETERA*: Scale Love Sunday
However, I am obsessed again with food planning for the future. I get like this, where I just watch the Food Network and think about food I'm going to eat someday. Yesterday in fact I did a weeks worth of menus that combined both Dr. Weil's Anti-inflammatory plan with Weight Watchers. Having never 'done' WW, I'm not sure if the daily point value is good for weight loss, but I think it is good for maintenance. (between 20-24 a day). So at least I have a plan that I can follow once I"m down to goal.
I told everyone in my life that I would only do the fast until the end of January, but now I'm thinking until the end of February. This of course, freaked my mom out. She knows how crazy the fast makes me. How do people decide a goal weight? If I went by what my doctor says, I'd be 125 lbs. That seems too small to me. I like how I look around 145, but I know that would be on the heavier side of a healthy weight range. So that's why I picked 130...but 135 sounds good too....AAARRRGHH!!!!
Well, my weight today is 157, which is a loss of 8 lbs from Thursday. (It's all water I'm sure, but after this, any loss will be fat.)
After a great suggestion from a co-worker, I'm going to treat myself after every 10 lbs loss.
1st 10 lbs= Hair trim/color
2nd 10 lbs= Pedicure
3rd 10 lbs= Fantastically gorgeous peacoat! (They should be on sale in Phoenix by the end of Feb.)
*FiTCETERA*: Scale Love Sunday
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year! Plus finally starting the challenge
Hello! Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a fabulous time!
I only have one resolution for this year, and it has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with being healthy!I resolve to have MORE FUN in 2009!
I gained a lot from dieting in 2008. I learned that if I set my mind to something I can do it. I stopped using alcohol to numb my pain. I made better choices in life. I lost 60 lbs.
However, to do all this I also sacrificed time with friends, and other fun social occasions. Some people say that you can lose weight and still have a life...this unfortunantly does not work for me. I have to distance myself from social situations that contain food and alcohol. The temptation is just too much for me.
I will be reaching my weight goal in the first half of this new year. After that I will allow myself the time to have fun and reconnect with people.
Today I started the fast again. This morning I didn't feel like eating so I skipped breakfast at home and decided to eat at work. Nothing like a can of tuna for breakfast! Aww the joys of a high protein diet! :)
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