Envy - the green devil

I've been thinking a lot about envy in the last few days. It was prompted by a surprise communication with an old high school acquaintence. He found me on a social networking site and I invited him to hang out with another old friend this weekend. I decided to take a look at my old yearbook and reminise a bit.

As I started looking at those pictures of smiling faces, and reading some of the things my BFF's wrote (don't ever change, call me whenever, we will ALWAYS be friends....etc.) I was suddenly feeling very very insecure again. Remembering those feelings of being totally unattractive, fat and unlovable. I see now that those feelings were baseless, but still that was how I felt at the time. And I did go to school with some *gorgeous* girls. I've spoken to a few friends about these feelings, and they say that everyone pretty much felt bad about themselves in high school. I just hope I don't revert to that shy, meek, high schooler at the reunion at the end of this year. And I although I didn't realize it at the time, I guess I was a little envious of the girls who had all the boys drooling over them...

I am still at 152 lbs and have been for 3 days. I'd like to see if I can shave off a lb or two by Monday (Dr's appt), but I'm still happy with a 13 lb loss. Now back to envy. Although it has slowed down quite a bit, I am told often by ladies at work how envious/jealous they are of me. "I just don't know how you do it. I can't stick to a diet longer than a day." "You are so thin. It is simply unbelievable. I wish I had what you had." I was uncomfortable with these statements at first and didn't know what to say. Now I just smile and say "Thank you. It is hard." I am no different from anyone else. At times I have felt so crazy on this journey and have cried myself to sleep, stuffed my face with thousands of calories in one sitting, considered making myself throw up, binged on alcohol/sex, and had mini-nervous breakdowns. I don't wish this upon anyone. "Do not be envious of me! I'm crazy and just barely holding on at any given second!" I want to scream. But of course I don't. I just smile and say, "Thank you." :) One day at a time, I guess....I just wish time would speed up.....